E164 Shahrbonu Shonazarova

Hello, my name is Aziz and I'm the son of a divorced mother. She is really my superhero. That's why it's important for me to support women to share their uniqueness, their personalities, perspectives, and emotions about this world. In these difficult times in human history, we need to bring the people of the world together. And when we hear the voices of women, when we listen to real lives of women from other countries, we connect our cultures without our differences or stereotypes, and we get inspired by their stories to live a better life. That's what this podcast is all about. My guest today is Shahar Bonu Shonazarova. Bonu is originally from Tajikistan and now in DP II, Grade 12 at Aga Khan Academy, Mombasa, Kenya. She was accepted by Aga Khan Academy and began her independent life at the age of 13. Bonu loves visual art, theater, football, and reading. She is a residential captain in her school, the lead in the art club, and had the lead role in her school musical Mamma Mia. Bonu, how are you today? Hello. I'm doing great today. Everything is going well. How are you? I'm feeling happy. I'm feeling lucky and grateful to be alive and going through the adventure we call life and very curious about you as a person. So I'll begin with this nice question. Bonu, if your friends could describe your personality, what would they say about you? So to think about it, if my friends were to describe me, I think they would describe me as a very loud person, extremely bubbly and excited all the time. So I'm excited about everything new and usually I drag my friends to those kind of things, trying to get everybody out of their comfort zone as well as my own. I would say for me, my comfort zone is always sort of talking. So I guess when there's room to grow, I try to do it less. Yeah. Thank you. That's so interesting. And I'm really fascinated by this. What drives your energy and loudness and positivity, especially in a time where it seems a lot of people are more negative, more lethargic, what gives you this? Is it beliefs that you have? Is it that you have overcome and started a new life alone and that gives you extra confidence? Is it because maybe after the pandemic you thought, oh my God, life is too short, let me enjoy everyday Carpe Diem? Or what gives you this energy and what do you think, why other people are missing it? Okay, this is a very interesting question. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it much, but I believe most of the times when it comes to getting my energy, I think it's just in the smallest things. So sometimes my energy can go down very easily, but then it's the smallest thing that drive it up again. So maybe I just love the weather today. Or maybe I just saw a friend I haven't seen for a while and I believe it's important to see positive things in the kind of lives we're living today with all of these things happening in the world. It's important to see the positive side. As they say, always see the glass as half full rather than half empty. So I guess when you talk about trying to find that energy and that light with everything that is happening currently and how people are very negative about certain things, I guess that's exactly what creates this need to have this energy. It stands out because of all the negativity that is present around. But to be honest, I haven't been surrounded by much of it because my friends are all very positive. The place I am in, the kind of environment I choose to surround myself with is very positive. So I guess it also adds up to all my energy. Yeah. I have so many questions and I noticed you said the kinds of environment you choose to be in and to surround yourself with. Are you a person who is confident? Do you feel you create the life you want? There are no limits and the world and reality is not happening to you. You are choosing how to live in almost every way. Is this a way to describe your attitude? I believe yes. I'm an extremely free person. I value freedom a lot. So I think we create our own reality. It's all based on our mindset and how we look at things. So if you choose to look at the world as like a very open spectrum of all the other things that are offered to you, all those opportunities, it's going to be way better in terms of how you'll be looking at your future and how it's working in general for you. So I believe I am that kind of a person who is confident in the things that she can do. Of course, everybody will be doubting themselves throughout the time. I get anxious a lot, but I still have this one vision that, oh yeah, there are so many opportunities around the world. Like you can literally do whatever you can. It's all in your own hands. You just have to work for it and have that mindset. I believe our mindset is one of the main limits that we have. So if you choose to have a mindset that limits you from things or seeing the world as if it's a very open place and there are so many opportunities surrounding you, then that's how it should be. It's your mindset that creates your reality. And I have created this kind of very pre-reality. It might not always be true, but if I look at things that way, it helps me see it in a better light and kind of motivates me more. I like that growth mindset. And to dive a bit deeper, you said it seems like you chose this mindset. Because if you read scientifically, a lot of people, humans in general, are born with a brain that is attracted to negativity because it means survival if you overcome it. And that's why the brain is not trained to look for positive things. Were you always a girl who saw the positive and the good in everything? Did you always believe that the world is open for you to create anything you want? Or was there a moment or a period where you decided to become this way? And what did you do to develop this into an instinct? I guess even currently, this kind of mindset is on and off for me, depending on situations. But I think I've always been like this, mainly because of the kind of movies I watched as a kid or the kind of books I read. I was very into fairy tales and all those things. But sometimes, of course, when you see all of the things that are happening in the world, reality sometimes does hit you, the negative parts of reality. So there are times when it's on and off, you're like, oh, no. But I don't think I've ever left this mindset of mine that, oh, no, I can still do it. It's still in my hands. It's not going to stop me. So I think it has always been there. There are times, of course, when it goes away. But I always somehow grab onto it because of this kind of values that I grew up with as a child. It has been in there within me for a while. Yeah. Thank you. And you mentioned fairy tales. And fairy tales have a lot of fantasy, magic, dragons, creatures, and all kinds of wizards. So to ask you on your perspective on life that helps your freedom and agency, what are your spiritual or metaphysical detailed beliefs on this world? Do you believe in destiny, that you are protected no matter what, and that gives you confidence to take risks because you think nothing bad will happen, or because of your confidence you can create anything you think, well, I can do whatever I want, maybe sometimes things will go wrong, but I've dealt with problems before, I'll just overcome it again? Or how do fairy tales relate to your sense of adventure, confidence, and daring to be outside your comfort zone? So in terms of believing in destiny and how things will just work out to making me a risk taker, I would say I believe our destiny is within our own hands. I don't believe that there's something that's meant there for us. Sometimes maybe I do, because I have a lot of friends who do believe in this kind of stuff. But I believe it's mainly all in your hands. You can work for it. It's your vision. You choose to see it that way. You just have to work for it. Of course, as you say, there are going to be challenges, but you can overcome them. It's troubling. The challenges might not be as minor as you would have imagined them to be, but that's how life is. And I don't think you, I mean, personally, I would love to not look at challenges as something so negative, but rather a room for growth. So seeing opportunity within those challenges, seeing the place where you can grow from them more and more and more. And I believe in terms of fairy tales, I would say the kind of things that I've taken from them in terms of what drives me is just this kind of belief in yourself. But the rest, I think I left it behind for now in terms of looking at it, this vision of destiny and everything. Yeah. Thank you. Usually people who have those beliefs have, even in their brain, a really lowered or reduced ability to feel fear, to feel anxiety, yet you said that you have dealt with and maybe had some struggles with anxiety even until now. So how do you combine both? How can you be daring? How can you believe everything is in your hands? And at the same time, have anxiety while moving forward more than other people? So I would say when you believe that everything is in your hands and you're the creator, of course you will be facing anxiety because you're the one whom you're lying on, right? You're not relying on destiny. I believe if I were to think, this kind of helps you have this kind of security when you believe in destiny, I think you would be less anxious because you know that there's something good awaiting for you or no matter what, everything will work out. But if you believe in destiny less, like me, and if you believe everything is in your own hands, I think there's more anxiety because you know that you will not always be making the correct decisions and that anxiety will be with you throughout the time. I'm an overthinker, I'm anxious all the time, but there's always this because anxiety, it's also adrenaline, it's also stress. So I believe that there's this kind of a thin boundary between my excitement and anxiety. And maybe at those times when I'm extremely anxious to find that kind of a spark to continue doing or just having that faith in myself again, I sort of blend that boundary and just transition to the excitement part, try to see something better in it. Usually my friends help me a lot with my anxiety, they calm me down. Maybe sometimes even with the top of destiny, there is that thin border between excitement and anxiety and it will always be there no matter what, especially when you believe that everything is dependent on you because you know you can mess up. Thank you. And Nietzsche talked a lot about this topic that when people don't believe in destiny, then their suffering becomes somehow meaningless and that keeps them in their comfort zone because they will not go through the pain and suffering of growth if they feel there is no meaning to it, there is no other side, no destiny, nothing related to that. So how do you deal? Because you spoke about not seeing the obstacles or not seeing the problems as a good thing. His argument is you should be able or find a way to give meaning to the pain and obstacles, otherwise you cannot move forward because it will not seem worth it. To you, what gives meaning to those obstacles or what makes the pain worth it that gets you so much outside of your comfort zone if you're overthinking, dealing with anxiety as well as going into the unknown? I think it's your goal and what you're moving forward that tells you that these obstacles are not permanent, you'll go through them and it's also an area for growth because challenges are, it's where you learn most of your things. So I think it's mainly your goal or what you're striving for and I think you can still have meaning in life without believing in destiny because you're the one who creates your own destiny. So it gives you more variety in terms of where you want to go, right? You're like, oh, I want this to be my destiny and this is what I'll be working forward to. So it's not that I don't completely believe in destiny, but I think we are the ones creating it. There's nothing predisposed. I think if I believe that there's something already predisposed for me, already chosen for me, it sort of limits my freedom in terms of what I want to do and how I want to reach that particular part. However, sometimes I do have these conflicting thoughts about destiny because I've read it in one of my favorite books called 40 Rules of Love by Elif Shafak and there's this beautiful saying about how destiny is there, but how you reach it is completely dependent on you. So they described it as if it's like a whole melody. Let's say you have an instrument, right? Your instrument will not change, but the way you're playing your music is completely dependent on you. So sort of they're describing this instrument as your destiny, but how you play or how you move towards it is completely dependent on you. So I feel like that particular part of it sometimes makes me believe in it, but at the same time, I like to give myself freedom. I hope that answered the question. I was going a little to completely different places. You did well and about that book, the 40 Rules of Love, you're the second girl who recommended it. Someone said that it was her most favorite book of all time. So I guess it's very much worth a read. And speaking about this, you speak about how the goals and the vision make the obstacles seem temporary, makes things worth it. A lot of people don't know what they want. There is an issue in reality or even if you study about psychology that human beings know what they don't want, but they have no idea what they want. And therefore, if they choose a goal or a vision, it's never something they're confident about because it seems arbitrary because they know, okay, I hate this life or I hate this job. I don't want the job. But you give them three choices and they will be lost and confused, unable to choose and going back and forth and hesitating. So how do you know that a vision that you chose or a goal is maybe part of your destiny or is firm and therefore you stick to it and focus or know it's the right choice, as they say, they will say, oh, my God, I don't know what's the right choice. So how would you know if a goal or a vision is the right choice for you and you won't hesitate and change many goals midway? Yeah, this is actually a good question. I have faced a lot of issues in terms of not having a direction or not having like a particular long term goal. But I think your vision doesn't have to be so stretched upon this long time frame. You can have very short term goals. And of course, there's still going to be challenges. And I think choosing a path is also a very hard thing to do. As you talked about picking, hating a job and then wanting to change it. But when you're given other options, you're just not able to pick you're scared. So that's also because you want to have it gives you this sense of security. But I think, OK, to me, it would be I'm kind of spontaneous. And as I mentioned, a little a little bit of a risk taker. So if it were in that case, like if you're not comfortable, if that's not what your heart desires, you leave it even if you don't have if you don't have a specific goal that you're looking to for now. So maybe you can focus your path on exploring things. So exploring things will definitely help you create this vision or goal. And goal doesn't necessarily mean, as I said, as a long term thing that you're looking towards. But obviously, you're going to have some sort of an idea of what makes you feel good or what makes you feel comfortable. At this point, it's just going to be a matter of exploring those things. So you try a lot of things that you can in order to bring you to to help you create this particular vision or goal that you will want to be striving for. But I guess it's kind of hard for me to answer as well, because I don't have this big goal. I don't think many humans in general have a big goal. But in terms of dealing with challenges in life, you're going to have short term goals. Or maybe if your goal is just to make it through those challenges, I mean, it depends on the person. Thank you. This reminds me that specialists study life purpose. They always say that when you don't know your life purpose, your first life purpose is to explore in order to find what resonates with you and you're basically saying that. And to ask you a bit more, since you are using freedom often, you spoke about being a risk taker, a girl who is spontaneous, yet to each person, they have their own definition of these words. If we could open the dictionary of Bonuch and define what is freedom, how does it relate to risk taking, to exploration, to being spontaneous? How would you relate these four terms? How would you define them in a way that is meaningful to you? So I believe in my dictionary. So freedom to me is having a choice, being able to having no limits or no restrictions. Of course, not ethical ones, but in terms of things that are ethical, but then you're not necessarily restricted to pursue them or do those things without a valid reason. So that is freedom to me and taking risks. I believe, I think many people, not everybody has this kind of a freedom or has created this particular freedom for yourself. It can even be freedom of fear or other things that are preventing you from stepping outside of your comfort zone. And I think in relation to risk taking, it's when your freedom is restricted and it does affect you. You're uncomfortable, but you also fear to attain that particular freedom. So risk taking, for me, it comes into place when it comes to pursuing your freedom, when it comes to attaining it, when it comes to stepping out of your zone, all of those fears that are limiting you in doing the things that would make you a better version of yourself or help you achieve something that you really wanted to. So risk taking comes when it comes to getting your freedom and freedom is having a choice and no limits or restrictions, apart from ethical ones, of course. I believe that sometimes women are restricted in freedom. So for example, me, and it's a little harder to deal with it, especially when you're growing in a conservative community with their values. So I guess there are also certain risks you have to take in order to get that freedom or show your people that there is this freedom. Yeah. Thank you. And that makes me even more curious, and yes, I would like you to share about the culture that you grew up in and how women are expected to be and what restrictions they have. At the same time, philosophically, there is this thought that, you know, some of the conservative cultures, they say, oh my God, they're corrupting the youth, they're corrupting people, telling them about freedom, et cetera. But philosophically, it is more that there are people who always believed in freedom, for example, who always were rebels, but they didn't find an idea that represented and resonated with them. And as soon as they hear it, they adopt it, not because they were brainwashed or manipulated, but because it resonated with how they truly are on the inside, even though they were masking their behavior and pretending on the outside. So to ask you, were you always a girl who did strive for freedom all your life since a very young age? Or is this something more recent, a recent development after you went to live more independently at the age of 13 in Aga Khan Academy, et cetera? So in terms of how women are within my culture or how they're expected to be, there are no restrictions in education. In fact, we're even encouraged to do so. I like how my culture brings this aspect of respecting women and to an extent treating them equally, seeing them as your equals. Of course, there are certain things that I wouldn't be necessarily comfortable with, but it's not, of course, all parts of society. But for instance, when it comes to playing certain sports like football, it's not restricted that we even have football teams, but sometimes it's this kind of taboo within society. Nobody legally restricts you or literally tells you, but it's this kind of sort of eyes that some people, not everybody, but some people give you, oh, you're a girl, stuff like this. Initially, OK, when I was back at home, when I was a child, before being exposed to a new mindset or looking at things differently, I had a few sort of concerns regarding my placement within the society. Like I have a younger brother and there were certain things that like, let's say he would be allowed to like and I wouldn't be. And this kind of triggered not necessarily I wasn't much of a rebel, but they kind of did concern me. But when I got out and I got to see some other things getting out of this initial mindset you grew up with and being able to look at things in a new way did add some changes. There are certain things I started looking at differently in terms of how, for instance, in terms of how back at home females are sometimes blamed, not necessarily blamed, but they sort of have hold this blame for, let's say, for assault. And I believe I started looking at it very differently when I came here and I got to look at things very differently. And I think it needs to change within our society. I don't know if I'll be hated for this comment, but I strongly stand by this point. Yeah. Thank you. And thank you for sharing your truth and your voice. I don't know who's going to hate it, but if they do, it means they're closed minded and therefore not the right people to be communicating and interacting with in this world. I believe we create our own universe of the right people who understand us, support us, and therefore we live in a reality that is open and supportive rather than trying to compromise ourselves to be liked by people who often don't even like themselves. And finally, to end this, what is your advice to any girl who might feel not so confident dealing with anxiety and self-esteem issues? And she wants that freedom. She wants that ability to create her world, but she feels too anxious to go out of her comfort zone. So I think since I do sometimes struggle with this as well, but the most important thing is having a mindset for yourself at first, first realizing that you have the power to do what you want to do. Everything is literally in your hands. There are of course going to be challenges and anxiety will always be there. But the first thing that I believe every single person should do in their path to attaining your freedom, creating this world you want to live in is having your mindset, realizing that you want to do it, realizing that you have the power to do so, and you can just having this faith in yourself will actually help in all of the other things that you'll be doing. Yes. And there are always other women with you. There are other people, there are other men, there are other friends, everybody's always there to support you. Maybe if you don't find that particular support close to your home or where you're living, it's always in this particular world gifted with technology. We have our communities on social media, in other networks, so there's always support. Having this knowledge about the fact that there are going to be people who can support you, you just need to find them. But the first support you should attain is from your own self, your own beliefs and values. Yes. That's what I have so far in terms of how to deal with the first start, the first step towards your freedom. Thank you so much, Bono. It was my privilege and my honor to include you in this podcast, to understand the way you think, the way you approach life, your mindset. I wish you success. I wish you to keep going and thank you again. Thank you so much for this particular privilege. I'm very honored to be participating in this kind of programs. I believe they're going to be very helpful to all the people that are doing this. And many people are going to be proud of you. I'm pretty sure your mom will be very proud of you for whatever you're doing. And thank you so much. I'm really happy that there are people doing this. And I hope this project is going to succeed as much as it is succeeding now, because I know there's going to be a lot of support and I'll make sure to assist somehow as much as I can. Thank you so much. You are welcome.