Episode Transcript
Hello, my name is Aziz and I'm the son of a divorce mother. She is really my superhero. That's why it's important for me to support women to share. Their uniqueness, their personalities, perspectives, and emotions about life. Too many women in this world feel alone. They worry about the judgment of others and they struggle with their mental health. But when they listen to the Rare Girls podcast where empowered women share their voices and tell their stories, many women will feel inspired to live a life of freedom and to overcome all insecurities. They will feel it is a safe space to find their confidence, to remember their unique beauty, and to feel their self-worth and they will connect with the sisterhood of Rare Girls who encourage their success and support their dreams. That's what this podcast is all about. My guest today is Siba Nadeem. Siba is a 20 years old, almost graduate studying digital media and communications. Originally from India, she lives now in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. She is passionate about everything creative and design related. Her hobbies include watching shows, writing poetry, making crafts, and going all into anything that piques her interest which is derived from her ADHD. Siba, how are you today? I'm doing great. How are you? I feel blessed, super positive, excited about life always in a good mood. I'm looking forward to know much more about you. To open the conversation, I'll begin with this nice first question which is, if your friends could describe your personality, what would they say about you? Honestly, I think this depends on the friend that you ask. In a general sense, I think my friends would say that I'm confident yet self-spoken, very academically driven. I like making friends. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. I think they would say that I have leadership qualities, that I have a very bad sense of humor, where I love to make very corny jokes, where no one else laughs but me. Yeah, I think they would say that I'm a very empathetic person, someone who has been through almost everything that you can think of. Someone who can relate to everyone, who's been in everyone's shoes. I think that's how they describe me. Thank you so much. That's fascinating. I have so many questions, but I'll begin with this one. How does it both exist at the same time? Like Schrodinger's cat, which is the cat that is both alive and dead. You have high empathy and the possibility to be connected with people, but you do not maintain friendships and relationships, which sounds opposite. Can you tell a bit more about that? How does that work? Honestly, I couldn't explain it to you. There's this thing that people contain multitudes, and that's the only way I can describe that. I am a very empathetic person in the sense that, if you're coming, if you're talking to me about something, I'm there with you. I'm listening to you. I'm understanding where you're coming from. I'm trying to give you the best advice possible if that is what you want. I'm also always seeing things from other people's perspectives. But I guess when it comes to friendships, there is a lot of effort that goes into maintaining them just outside of having deep conversations. So I feel like maybe that's why those two exist at the same time, which is why I like to have a... Even though I consider myself to be a very extroverted person who loves talking to people, I do have my close-knit group of friends who are my go-to, my everything. Thank you so much for sharing that. And part of your multitudes is that you're both confident and soft-spoken. But tell me a bit more about that. To you, what is your own unique meaning of confidence? Because I believe words like that are different based on the experience of the person. To you, when you say you're confident, what does that entail? How does that feel? How does that happen in reality? That's a very interesting question. To me, confidence is just getting what you want, just putting on a face despite the bad feelings or the anxieties. Rising above that, acknowledging those feelings, but rising above that, and still going out there and getting what you want, that is confidence. So despite any of the bad feelings that you may be feeling, nervousness, the anxiety, the what-ifs, pushing, being able to push those thoughts aside, think that, no, this is something that I want for myself, so I'm going to do it despite the way it makes me feel without invalidating how it makes you feel. But just going out there and getting that thing, I think that's confidence. Thank you. And that sounds to me like focus. So the way that you described it sounds to me like not being and having ADHD. How does that work? Because you said like the what-ifs by definition, that's ADHD, being like going after what you want and focusing on it, that is the opposite of ADHD. So tell me, how does that relate? And how are those anxieties or thoughts or what-ifs different from ADHD? And do you follow the ADHD? But when it's anxiety, you stop and you're like, no, no, no, confidence or how does it work? That's actually a very interesting question. I feel like I am able to have that set focus because of my ADHD. And I know that sounds a bit like you're like, what? How is that even possible? But I feel like people who have ADHD also often have comorbid or like comorbid means something that occurs at the same time with another mental health condition. So often have comorbid anxiety, which I do, anxiety or depression. And so like those what-ifs are derived from the anxiety. They are derived from your prior experiences, maybe because people with ADHD do struggle a lot in terms of just daily functioning, just managing their boredom, managing their life, organizing, scheduling, dealing. We're extremely sensitive to people's criticism. So because I feel like me, like I've grown up that way where it's been extra hard to navigate through the normal, the normalities of life. And because of these things, I've adapted, sort of adapted to navigate situations with a clear focus, despite the anxiety that it makes me feel, if that makes sense. So because of the ADHD and because of the feelings that it brings up and because of the experiences that I've had, I'm able to navigate situations better with a clear focus once I've dealt with the anxiety. Thank you for sharing that so much. And once I heard Robert Greene, the author, saying that he has a lot of anxiety and he believes the creative process is about going through that anxiety until it transforms into creativity. Is that your experience as someone who does a lot of creative things and is driven by your ADHD to do them? How is the creative process? Is it a way for you to actually calm down the anxiety or is it a way for you to channel it into something new? Is it just the dopamine of new creation and moving from things to things is how you calm yourself down? Tell me a bit more how that anxiety relates to your creative process. Like again, I think this depends on the context. So if I have a creative work to submit, let's say if it's for a job or if it's for a job opportunity where I have to do or I'm working somewhere and I have to submit something or if I'm studying in university and I have to submit something because I work in a creative field, this anxiety both drives me to do better in this context, but it also drives me to the point where I can get burnt out. So in that context, but in another context outside of just work or university submissions or whatever, I think the anxiety is a source of inspiration for a lot of the creative work that I do. I think I write a lot like I mentioned, I write poetry or I do design or whatever. I feel like a lot of my work is inspired from those feelings of anxiety or from my prior experiences. So it's a source of inspiration, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. But then like you mentioned, it's also just the ADHD bit of it. I just get dopamine from doing creative things. I feel really good about myself when I've done something creative and it's just something that I define myself by or myself as. So yeah. Thank you again. I love this conversation. And early on when you described yourself, you said that you're academically focused. And now that you said within the academic field that can lead you to burn out. So I'm wondering what makes you academically focused? Is it, for example, one of the traits ingrained by Indian families that have this over focus and prioritization on academic things? And that's why you do it. Is it you have goals and dreams and realize in Dubai, there is too much competition. So you're doing it to give yourself more opportunities. Is it so that you escape the need to stay with your mind that can give you a lot of anxiety? So you're like, at least I have assignments and structure and things to do. Or what makes you academically focused? If deep down that can lead to burnout, which means it's not play and doing it outside of the structure is more fun to you based on your experience. Okay, I think what makes me academically focused comes from the perspective that just from within, from myself, that I always need to do better or be the best. Right? Which I know is not possible in many situations. It's not possible. There's always going to be someone better than you. And I acknowledge that. But it just comes from the idea that I just from myself, so I can feel accomplished or proud of what I've done, is that I want to be the best that I possibly can be at everything. So even if I, let's say, wasn't in an academic setting where I'm working or even just in just your day to day things, I just feel like I need to do it the best way possible, which comes from tendencies of perfectionism that I have. And perfectionist tendencies are often seen in people with ADHD. But I mean, even outside of that, when I was a child, when I was a little girl, I saw I have two older siblings, right? Both are boys, both are quite a bit older than me, maybe by seven to eight years. Growing up, there was no pressure on me as such to perform academically. It was more so that because my parents were always focused on my brother's academics, and I just sort of did well, just somehow did well, that they always thought that, okay, they don't need to worry about me or my academics. They don't have to worry about how I perform. They have to worry about the brothers. And I think just so ever since I was little, I've just taken that responsibility on myself. And I think this stress on academics isn't only particular to Indian families. I feel like the need to perform this pressure to do good in that context is, I think it's a very universal feeling, in my opinion. But yeah, for me, it just comes from the fact that I need to do better, I need to strive to do better. And that feeling comes from, okay, from a young age, that's just all I've known. I've been the child that, okay, has her thing together, so no need to worry about her. So in that way, I need to worry about myself. Thank you. And the way that you describe that, the way that you take responsibility for yourself reminds me of how you describe confidence when you said, "Let's put it on a brave face," taking that persona in order for you to move forward. But then it makes me wonder, because many people psychologically would say that if you are a bit faking it till you're making it, you end up with the imposter syndrome where you think the confident identity is the one that is succeeding, not the real you. So how do you feel proud of yourself, which is something you said is important, when at the same time, sometimes you are putting on a brave front that is on top of or something that is extra to yourself? How do you manage it so that your real self gets the rewards and instead of the illusion of perfectionism, how does that work? That's a very, very interesting question that you've asked. Honestly, it's something that I, imposter syndrome is something that I do struggle with. So you've raised a good point here. How I deal with it is by just thinking about and telling myself or reminding myself that the work that I've accomplished is objective or the success or the rewards that I'm getting for my work, they're objective. It is something that I've done despite the tens and millions of challenges that I face in life. Because what I realized is that, I mean, it sounds very generic to say, but life is very complex, you're going to face 10 different situations at the same time. Maybe you're expected to achieve or you're expected to work for yourself and earn financially, but at the same time, you're expected to maintain your relationships around you, organize your life. There's just so many different complexities. If you're dealing with grief and loss at the same time that you're expected to do all of these things, women in general, I mean, everyone is expected to deal with these complexities, but I feel like there's so much of a pressure on women especially to deal with all of these things and also make it look effortless. So I tell myself how I sort of bridge that gap when it comes to imposter syndrome is I tell myself that even though I do struggle with it quite a lot, I tell myself that my achievements, my skills, who I am, my work says everything. The people that I deal with or the people that I speak to on a day-to-day basis, their perception of me, their interactions with me, what they think says everything, you know what I mean? These are very objective things that can be quantified. It's not like it's not enough or that I'm not enough or that there is a sort of disparity between this fake confident person versus me. That confident person at the end of the day is still me. It's still me who's managed to get through situations despite all the other things in life. That's what I tell myself when I am feeling those feelings of imposter syndrome where I am feeling like, "Oh my God, am I not enough? My skills are not good enough." Maybe everyone just thinks a certain way of me because I've been faking it, but no, it's still me. It's still very much me. I like that very much. I appreciate your self introspection and your working within the digital media and communication sphere which has a lot of connections to social media and all the results and the effects of many photoshop women, many women comparing themselves to other women. Did you deal with that? How do you feel about that? What's your advice to teenage girls in particular who have their self-esteem destroyed by this comparison so they do not see their own unique beauty? This is a very, very interesting and I feel like a very important question that you've asked. Dealing with social media and comparing myself to other women or just women comparing themselves in general is a very big thing. It is something that I've personally dealt with where I've seen women on social media and I think to myself, "Oh my God, why can I not be like this person?" Or, "Why can I not have such clear skin?" Or, "Why can I not have this body type?" It is something that has a very big mental impact. Growing up as a teenage girl, first of all, I grew up when I was little. I was fat. I was a fat kid. I grew up in the era of social media. Not to say that fat is something bad, but when you grow up like that, I feel like you have tens of millions of people criticizing you from such a young age about your looks, about the way that you look. People treating you way differently if you do manage to change your appearance, lose weight, become healthier. There's so much that you deal with. Social media really adds on to it where you idealize these women that you're seeing. The way that I deal with it and the advice that I would have to other young girls who maybe do the same thing is to just step out of your head for a second. At least try to. When you notice yourself, I think you should be conscious and mentally take a note of when you're doing that or when you think the thought process is starting where you're looking at women on social media. I think you should just step out of your own head for a second and think, consciously think, "This is me being unkind to myself. Me comparing myself to millions of women on social media, that is me being unkind to myself." I need to recognize. It's a very complex thing, honestly. It's something that I still struggle with. But the key is to just step out of your own head and to think that by doing this, you're being unkind to yourself. Another thing is that what we see on social media isn't real, isn't always real. On social media, people are putting on their best front. People are putting on their best faces. At least in the majority of the context, people are putting on their best faces. This includes women. We see things from the content creators and influencers. It's their job to put on their best face. I feel like on social media, it's become this aspect where you just have to show on your best front, but you don't see what goes on behind the scenes. It also helps to think that these are also these super gorgeous women that you're seeing who you're mentally comparing yourself to, are also women who are probably thinking the same thing and probably have the same insecurities as you're having. You know what I mean? It's also very helpful to think about how a lot of the times, in many cases, not to say that this is a bad thing, but a lot of influencers or a lot of models that we see on social media have gone through some procedure, maybe some celebrity that you're really looking up to has gone through some procedure, is taking on some diet, is taking some supplement, or has gone through something that maybe we don't have the privilege to afford at the moment. Not to say that them doing that is a bad thing, but also that has maybe to an extent contributed to the way that they look, right? Or the way that they're perceived or the way that we perceive them. So, you know, it's essential to think about all of these things. It's also essential to just remind yourself that constantly comparing yourself to other people is unfair to yourself and unkind to yourself. Another very big thing that I would like to end this answer with, sorry, going on a bit of a tangent, but another big thing is to just sort of have the mindset of being a girl's girl or have the mindset of being supportive. So when you see it as an objective thing, like, "Oh my God, this girl is so gorgeous. Oh my God, like this girl is so pretty, this girl is so gorgeous. That's it. Leave it at that." Don't think, "Oh my God, this girl is so pretty. She's so gorgeous. She has this kind of hair. Why can't I have this kind of hair?" You know, like don't have that thought of why not me? Just appreciate this person that you're seeing objectively and notice the thought patterns. If you notice yourself spiraling, just tell yourself to stop. Even though it's not easy, I understand. But yeah, I think that's just the overall advice that I'd like to give to someone who's maybe comparing themselves to other women on social media or to any young girl out there who feels like she does this. Yeah. Thank you so much. I appreciate you for sharing your truth so much. And I can feel that it's sincere and honest. And to finish this, is there anything that you believe other women and girls need to hear in order to live life happily with whatever definition of success that they can define anything? You think they should be reminded of or a lesson you learned recently or a way for them to find the courage to go outside their comfort zone? Let me know so that we end with an inspirational message that they can be heard by the right person at the right place in the right time. And that always matters. Thank you for asking me. I really appreciate you asking me my opinion on this or my advice on this. Before I get to that, I would again like to address that women in a general sense have to take on so many responsibilities. In society, they're expected to take on so many responsibilities. And always while playing out, those responsibilities of playing out, those multitudes of characters are always expected to do it in the best way possible or not accommodate it as much when they make mistakes in those roles. So for so many of those reasons, we put on a lot of burden upon ourselves. We shoulder many, many, many burdens. We are also extremely understanding and empathetic more so than, I guess, men are in a general sense because we feel quite a lot. We are sensitive and we feel quite a lot. So because of that, we take on so much, right? Take on so much of the world, so much onto ourselves. And a lot of it can also just be in our heads. So I think the biggest advice that I would have is to slow down, just slow down. Just in a general sense to anyone in this very busy world where you have so many things to deal with, take a moment to slow down. If you're feeling overwhelmed with different things, just know. And this is the best advice that's worked for me, that works for people that I know, is to when things feel like they're getting too chaotic, just to take things one small step at a time. Another thing, another advice that I have, again, might be a silly advice, is to make two lists in your life. One is something, a concept that I came across, that I like to call a "squirrel list." And one is a "main to-do list." So a "squirrel list" is where you write down everything, all the things that you want to accomplish within a set amount of time that is not related to your work or something that you're doing. It's related to you and your personal life, things that you need to sort out. And then you have your "main to-do list," which is all the tasks that you need to accomplish related to your work or just in your day-to-day. And another advice that I would have is to just talk to people if you can. Talk to your loved ones. Talk to people who make you feel better. To try to, no matter how life seems, to not take it too seriously. Sometimes it's very important to just step out of your own head, have fun, relax a little bit, and to not take life too seriously. And yeah, just one small thing at a time. Be a little playful. Try to, you know, sometimes give in to the inner child of yours. If you want to go buy something, go buy something. If you want to go play on the swings in the playground, play on the swings in the playground. Nothing's stopping you. You know, I truly, it's very cheesy, but I truly live by the motto of "We only live once." You know? So if you feel like there is something stopping you from going out there and doing something, you'll only know if you try. Honestly, there's no way to. There can be so many waters to every situation. You may be indecisive on so many things, but the only thing there is to do is to try. Even if you feel like you'll feel at it, at least try. So I think that's the advice that I have. I appreciate that very, very much. That's absolutely true and the right attitude to always aim to not have any regrets in life. I believe in that, that we should live a life where we have no regrets because we never say what if, but we tried and then we figured out for ourselves. I wish you, Seba, all the success in the world. It's my honor and privilege to have you in this podcast and in this project. Keep going and thank you for participating. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Aziz. I genuinely had a very lovely time. I think we discussed things that are really important to discuss. Yeah. Thank you for giving me this opportunity and this platform. You are welcome.
