E180 Nilufar Sarbalandova

Hello, my name is Aziz and I'm the son of a divorced mother. She is really my superhero. That's why it's important for me to support women to share their uniqueness, their personalities, perspectives, and emotions about this world. In these difficult times in human history, we need to bring the people of the world together. And when we hear the voices of women, when we listen to real lives of women from other countries, we connect our cultures without differences or stereotypes, and we get inspired by their stories to live a better life. That's what this podcast is all about. My guest today is Niloufar Sarbalandova. Niloufar is from Khorog, Tajikistan, but currently lives in Canada. She loves reading books, listening to music, and filming and editing videos. Niloufar studied communications and media for a year at University of Central Asia in Kyrgyzstan, but quit studying, as she felt this is not what she wants to do in the future. Currently, she is in Canada, preparing and applying to university to study psychology, which is her childhood dream, and her dream university is University of Alberta. At school, Niloufar participated in Olympiads and various school activities, as well as in three international exchange programs, such as Summer Exchange Program for School Children of Shanghai Cooperation Member Countries in China. School encounters in Africa, and tech girls in the US. Niloufar, how are you today? Oh, hi everyone, I'm feeling really good. How about you? I'm feeling happy to have you here, absolutely grateful to be alive, to experience the world, and very curious to know more, to hear more, and to understand more. So I'll begin with this nice small icebreaker question, which is, Niloufar, if your friends, the people that know you well, could describe who you are and your personality, what would they say about you? That's a very interesting question. I think if my friend could describe me, the first word they would say is, I'm very supportive. Like whenever something happens, I think I'm the number one who they write, or who they call immediately to tell me, or just to tell me what has happened, or if they need some advice, or if they have some problem. And I will always have like, I think I'll always have some words to make them feel better, or to help them, or just to be next to them so that they don't feel alone. And the second one is, I think they would say, I'm very reliable. Like they could tell me everything, or it's just not only about the secrets, but even like if there is any activity or if there's some event happening. If I said that, for example, I'm doing this, I will for sure do this. Or if it's like reliable and responsible, like they are somehow interconnected. So if I always like do what I tell, and I don't want to disappoint people around me. And the third one, I think it will be funny. Yes, because not many people know that fact about me, but like the closest people around me, they know like, I'm very funny. I like, I joke a lot, and do some silly things just to make my close people around me happy. Yeah, I think this is the free thing that my close people would say about me. Thank you. I noticed that in your answers, there is this centeredness around those you love, those you care about, you don't want to disappoint them, you want to make them laugh, to make them happy. I can ask so many questions about this, but I will ask in this way. How does this relate to your choice of the topic and subject of psychology as a childhood dream? Yeah, like since my childhood, like in my, when I was studying at school, like, I don't know, it just, I'm like that type, that type of person. Yeah. For example, almost like all my classmates, I have, I have a very good relationship with my classmates. And like almost every one of them came to me, they told something like about their life and they, they would ask for some advice what to do, and I would always like find some words to help them. And I just, I just felt that like helping people, like helping people and telling them what to do in, like in difficult situations, this is what I really like, and this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. And from that time, like, I felt very comfortable because my friends and my classmates, they would come, they would tell their secrets, they would share their problems. And I just tell them, okay, just let's, let's try this way, do this way and we will look what will happen next. If this doesn't work, we can look for some other solutions. And from that, yeah, then I decided that psychology is my field and this is what I want to do further. Thank you. And usually people who like to help others in different situations and emotional, psychological, romantic, or life challenges, they do it in a way where when they feel their advice is working for others, they feel more empowered than they do it in a way to tell themselves, look, if this person can solve this problem, then me too, if I have struggles, I can fix them. There is always hope. Is this part of why you do it? Or is it 100% because you're a super people pleaser that extracts happiness from increasing the joy and fulfillment of others? I would say it is like both. It, it just like, I, it gives me a pleasure when I, for example, when I, when I help someone to feel better or when, when I do something to solve their problems, but as a person, I'm also very curious about everything that happens in the world. And I want to know everything. And it's like, I really enjoy the moment when, for example, there is a challenge in front of you and you try your best to find solutions. This is what I love the most, like the best part of this job is like when you, when you, when you're thinking a lot and you try to find different solutions to the situation and yeah, when, and especially when you, when your advice or when your solution works and you see the smiles on the people's faces, I think it's, it is a great emotion. It just, it is so good to feel that. That's really, really warm and friendly if I could describe it. But is this also one of the causes of you not continuing in your previous educational path of communications and media? Was it that you didn't feel that direct connection and direct help to other people that made you decide to get into psychology and something that is more humanly involved? Or because, you know, communication and media could be perceived as a way to help people in mass as a way to connect with them, with their desires, et cetera. So can you tell me a bit more about what was lacking there? Communication and media, it is also, it is, I think it is one of the most interesting majors, but it is really good like to, to give like, honest and true information to people and like to do not lie to people about the news and everything that, but there are a lot of readings, I think there are too much readings to do and writings, but unfortunately I do not like so that much reading. I do write, but I do like the reading, but if it's not interested for interesting for me, I think that I will not be able to achieve something. And I felt like I will, I will, if, for example, I think that if you don't like this, you're, if you are not interested in this, for example, in this major, just do not continue with that. Just quit it, do what you love, just do what your heart likes because you can, for example, I am very hardworking person and I'm 400% like sure that if I would have continued my studying, like as a communication media student, I would achieve everything. I would be a great journalist or anything, but I would maybe, for example, I would work for one or two or three years and then that would be boring for me. That is not what I like. And then maybe realizing that at the age of 30, I think it would be very late. So that's why I think that I just felt that this is, this is not what I want. And I think psychology, people just do not know how important it is. Like it is working with the brain, like, but we know like fight that brain or the way we think this is the most important. Having that happening around us, what we feel or what we do, it all like, it all depends on our brain, how we think. And I think it is very important because first you should, you should know how to, you should be strong enough and you should know how to, you should know yourself first in order to know others or help others. And unfortunately, nowadays you see more and more people having mental problems. And I think that there, there should be good specialists for, for this kind of people. Because if you have, I think if you, if you don't have problems with your mental health, life would be much more easier. I agree 100% and I support your choice for following your heart, your bliss, and your passion. And to ask you a bit deeper, because I imagine in traditional cultures, maybe in Pomeranian culture, maybe if you think about your grandparents, they did not do what they loved. They did what they had to do in order to succeed. So to understand, is this part of the change in culture of your country, or is it because you are exposed maybe through the internet and the exchange programs to other cultures that you understood, no, I can follow my happiness, life is too long or too short in order to spend it unhappy, or how did it go? Because it's interesting to notice that there are traditional parts of your culture that are kept, but this part could be something that changed maybe at scale, or is it more to you and a few people who have more international relations? Can you speak a bit more about that? So yeah, I would, I would say, I would tell you a very interesting story about my grandmother. So my grandmother, her, her dream was like her childhood dream was to study English very well and she wanted to become an English teacher, but unfortunately she's now I think 72 years old and, but unfortunately her parents did not support her choice. And because almost every member of her family, like her brothers, her sisters, her, her dad, they were all teaching mathematics, so they were also persuading her to take that path. And so she studied math and she was teaching math for a long, long time at schools, but now she's retired, but still she is 71 years old and she's still learning English because that was her childhood dream. And I find it so interesting and this is, this is, I think it is a great example for me because now like, although she's, she's studying English for now, I think that she, I think she regret somehow because she did not do that before when she was young. And this is one example for me where, why I like, why I'm so stubborn about my choice and why I'm saying that, no, I will follow my heart and I will do what I want to do. And it is very difficult, honestly, because my parents also, they do not support my choice. And especially in Pamir or in Horeb where I live, like my hometown, the people, even majority of people even do not know about the major like psychology because, you know, there were, they had very tough times when they were children, they did not know nothing about the mental health problems. I know for sure that they had that, but they did not know how to describe it. Or for example, the diseases like for like depression or stress that we know about, I know for sure, like because of the tough times they had those diseases, but unfortunately they did not know how to name them or how to call them. So I think this is a very underrated major or job in my hometown and there is almost no specialist. That's why I really want to, I really want to pursue this degree. And my parents, like they say, they always tell me that you need to choose a path that you, after, for example, graduating university, you could find a job for yourself and you could earn money for living. But I'm just, I do not listen to anyone and I'm telling that, no, I want to, I want to study this field and I will do everything to graduate with this field. And I think like, because of, I think because of, for example, participating in many programs, in many exchange programs, this was a big support for me. I think I, it somehow, it gave me, I became very confident in myself and now I understand that I must like do what I want to do, but not others. I just, I just feel like the strength. I admire that and I really encourage your success. And I'm wondering if your parents don't support your choice, how are you living in Canada now that you're not even yet studying? What circumstances allowed this? What's the story behind it? So the story behind is, right now I'm like, I'm working and I'm saving money for my studies. And whenever, for example, I talk about like psychology or about my future work or my studies, like they tell me that, like they say that it is, it is great that you like it, but you should think, you should, you should be smarter and you should know that. Just do not do it for pleasure. You should think also about the future. How would you earn money for your living or for your future life? This is what they tell me. And for now, like they support me, of course, like as parents, they support me with everything, but they still like doubt about my, my career choice. But I think they will very soon, they will just accept it and they just get used to it because I'm very stubborn and I won't change my mind. That's interesting. And speaking about being stubborn, you know, some parts of the world or some cultures are known for being stubborn. Is it part of the Pomeranian culture for women or people to be somehow stubborn and go after what they want and resist people who tell them no? Or is it more a personal attitude that you have? I'm not sure it is like it is traditional because I haven't noticed that in my culture, but maybe I think people are stubborn about like their future choice or about what they like, but unfortunately they are forced to do that or they're forced to do another choice because you know, life in Peru is tough. Like there, there is a lot of financial problem. People like there is a big unemployment in my hometown and people just, they do not have opportunity to do what they want. So they are forced to do another choices just to like, just to live, just to earn money for living. I think it's more just like a personal trait because I believe in myself and why like people tell me that you won't find the job as a psychologist. I tell them, I just want to tell them that, how do you know? You don't know me. I can, I know that I'm also a very hardworking person. And I know that if I love something, I will just try my best to, and I'll give all myself to do, for example, to this studying and maybe someday I'll be a world known psychologist. You never know things, right? So I think it is, it is not so correct to judge people just by like, because like majority of people do not find a job as a psychologist does not mean that me, I also want to find a job as a psychologist. I will try my best. I will work very hard so that I like to, to become a world known psychologist. I'm proud of you, I believe truly you can achieve this. And I like that you're going after your dreams, after your goals, et cetera. At the same time, is this something that you always had the confidence in yourself or were you a girl with more anxiety when you were younger? And if so, what did you do in order to gain that self-confidence and that ability to believe in yourself? So you would, you would never believe me, but you know, as a child, I was, I think that I was the shyest child like in the whole world. I was so shy that I would really talk to someone. So most of the time I was just silent. And even like in my, at school, like I was very quiet student. I like you, it was, I don't know, like sometimes I just feel that there are, you know, there are two person, two characters that live inside my body because some of the time I'm very friendly and very easygoing and outgoing, but some of the time I'm just silent for the whole time. So, but as a child, I was very shy and this is why my parents, especially my mom, they encouraged me and they forced me to like to apply to different programs, to participate in school Olympiads and all the activities. And I think I'm very grateful to the exchange programs and the, every, like I also applied in a lot. I also participated in a lot of summer camps and I think these were just, I'm very grateful and thankful to all those experiences that I have had, because I think if I wouldn't experience that I would not be the person I am right now, because, you know, when you, when you just go out of your comfort zone, you start talking to people, you travel to other countries, you see all the cultures, traditions, languages, history, you meet so many amazing people and then you, it's somehow all the shyness that you have, it just, it just goes away. And I think this is what happened to me because like my mom, my mom like encouraged me to apply to all the programs, all the summer camps and they just, they just changed me completely and yeah, so, you know, also like in going out of your comfort zone, it makes you very strong, like, and also like, you know, it's not very easy to apply and to get accepted to international programs. For example, I also applied, I was not, for example, I was rejected for the first time. Then I had to work on myself, make something better, improve my skills and then I applied for the second time and then I got admitted. So all these, these stories or all the experience and all this, all the path that I had, they just made me so strong and now here I am sharing my stories with other girls, which I think as a child, I would never imagine this. That's really, really powerful and wonderful. And to ask you even more, since you love psychology and given advice, what is your advice to many of the girls in the world who maybe are not feeling brave enough to follow their dreams, to say no to their parents or their shy, the shyest girls in the world like you were, etc. What are things that you have learned that they can benefit from in order to develop and go out of their comfort zone? I think that first of all, like they should know that asking someone something, it is completely okay. Because there are many, there are so many kind and nice people around you who are willing to help you. You just need to, if for example, you will be, if you will be silent, nobody will know about you. Nobody cares about you. You must speak about yourself, you must show yourself first in order to be noticed. Just ask for help, asking for help is absolutely normal. And I think this is the first step. There is, you know, the world is so interesting. It is so, it is so beautiful and wonderful that you should just, you should just go and see and explore everything around you. Because I think as a human, it is like it is our mission to know everything. Because we are like, we are living on this planet. And I think as the residents of this planet, we should know everything about it, we should explore every part of it. And I think it is so great because you, if for example, from traveling, from meeting new other people, there is nothing bad in that you just, it's like vice versa, you only get like good experiences. It just benefits you as a human and it just, you just grow as a human, you become stronger, you become mature, you become like, yeah, you just become confident and smarter. And so in terms of following your dreams, because, you know, how I see this situation, if for example, you want, if you are not following your dreams, then who will, right? Nobody else care about you, you should do it yourself. And just, it might sound like silly, but just be brave and you just try your best. Work really hard, read as much as you can, be smart and also be kind to others. Thank you so much Niloufar. This was my privilege and my honor to understand the way you think, to share your experiences and to learn from you. Thank you for participating in this podcast. Thank you for opening up. I wish you success. I wish you to find your dream job in psychology and to get to the University of Alberta and to make everyone that cares about you and that you love proud and keep going.