Episode Transcript
Hello, my name is Aziz and I'm the son of a divorce mother.
She's really my superhero, that's why it's important for me to support women, to share their
uniqueness, their personalities, perspectives and emotions about this world.
In these difficult times in human history we need to bring the people of the world together
and when we hear the voices of women, when we listen, to real lives of women from other
countries we connect our cultures without differences or stereotypes and we get inspired
by their stories to live a better life. That's what this podcast is all about.
My guest today is Rina Rupa Relya.
Rina is a psoriasis warrior and ethnically Indian from Canada.
A hope dealer for the psoriasis community focused on mindfulness and self-acceptance.
Rina loves dance, reading, hiking and practicing yoga and meditation.
Rina, how are you today?
Hi Aziz, I'm doing really well and I'm so excited for our conversation today.
Thank you, I'm honored, I'm privileged, I feel lucky to have you here.
I'm very curious about you as a person as well, so I will begin with a nice, friendly,
easy kind of yet very difficult question, which is if your friends and the people who know
you best and love you most could describe your personality, what would they say about you?
I love that question, I've actually asked my friends just to get more perspective on myself,
what do you see in me? So the feedback I got was that they find that I'm very kind and compassionate
and caring towards them, someone who can make them laugh when times are hard, I'm also very
described as very energetic, I have a pretty bubbly personality, but the other side of that is
that I'm also someone who can tend to go into my shell and be more introverted in nature.
I think they'd also say that I'm stylish and like I said earlier, the word I get a lot is that
I'm a lot of fun. Thank you, that sounds great and it makes me also even more curious,
how did your personality get shaped through psoriasis and your fight with it and your acceptance
of it, etc, because it's something that is a big part of your life, so did you at first have
some very difficult moments and then you chose to go the energetic, more positive route or
is yoga and meditation something that brought you closer to enlightenment or how was that journey
and the shaping of who you are today? That's a great question as well, so I would say, you know,
I was diagnosed with my skin condition psoriasis at around 14 years old and before that time,
I was someone who was more like I am now, so kind of outgoing, I love to express myself through clothing
and having this bubbly personality, someone who is curious and wanted to try everything,
but after being diagnosed with my skin condition, which expressed itself as like these red dots all
over my legs, my arms, my stomach, it made me become very self-conscious, someone who became much more
introverted and hidden, so I would say my personality was very focused, you know, in my early years
living with the condition, as someone who was trying to people please, trying to be liked, I was
always afraid that people would reject me if they saw my skin, so I would always do a little bit
extra to make sure I was accepted, but as my skin, you know, kind of cut its ups and downs, it got
really bad as I got a little bit older and it caused me to kind of go into yoga and and
meditation, just into a more, I guess, spiritual path, a path of really getting to know myself
on a deeper level, understand what's important to me, and so I would say, you know, maybe 10 years
ago is when I really started forming and allowing myself to be as I am, but also to nurture
parts of myself that I may be ignored in younger years, and now, you know, as someone who's online
and sharing my story and empowering others, I'd say that my personality is much more true to form
and that I'm able to be who I am regardless of who my skin is, so I'm giving myself permission
to get to know myself and I continue to get to know myself and learn about myself and what
brings me alive, always kind of asking myself the question, who am I, and it seems like a question
that continues to unfold and unravel. That's very important, and to me, actually, it depends on what
kind of person you are, but if you're someone who gets bored easily, and therefore, if you know
who you are, it becomes boring because you're ready to figure it out, and therefore part of the
exciting mystery of life is that you're constantly changing and evolving, and so you never fully
know who you are because who you are today is hopefully a bit better and a bit more mature and
different compared to yesterday, so it's not a fixed place, and to ask you too because you're
aiming to inspire others with your story. Are there any stories that people who follow you,
who you have inspired, told you about some impact you had on their lives that you think,
oh, wow, I didn't know this was so valuable and important. Yeah, this was something, you know,
when I think about the Instagram journey that I had and starting to tell my story on social media,
I was, like, I started as someone who was really suffering, and I went online to start sharing my
private thoughts, start sharing a little bit about my journey, but I didn't tell any of my friends
or my family. It was like a confidential page, and it was the first time that I started really talking
to people with psoriasis, being honest about how I was feeling, you know, the sadness, the pain,
the grief at times, and I was received by other people who also had psoriasis, and it made me feel
less alone, and I think as my journey, you know, I started the page maybe, you know, in 2016, so many
years ago, I was really, really like in this place of just needing to meet others, and as these years
progressed, now people write to me and say that I've been a light for them. I've given them hope
in dark times. I've also been the first person, maybe they've seen openly showing their skin,
or talking about their skin condition, and what it's done for them is it's really helped them,
either seek different treatment, try a new way of taking care of themselves, maybe pushing
themselves if their skin is red, right, or it's really full of, you know, spots and dots and plaques
to kind of put on shorts or to put on a dress and to wear their skin with pride. So hopefully
helping people move out of their comfort zone, their limiting beliefs, as well as, you know, again,
the feedback I've been given is that they feel less alone, and they feel supported, and that has
been, you know, something that wasn't intentional, but a gift, like I think as kind of the fruits
of the work, because I had no idea that I was helping anybody, because I just thought I was
helping myself, but now it seems to be, you know, both ways, and that feels really, really good.
I love that story and what you're sharing and saying, because it's truly inspirational,
and it makes me also wonder and think and ask you more, because part of your journey is
recultivating your confidence, elevating your self-esteem, regardless of the any outside situation,
circumstances, or looks. A lot of women, even though they might not have psoriasis, they might be
intimidated by the beauty standards, or the photoshop perfect women on Instagram, or TikTok,
or anywhere on social media, and I think even as teenagers, oh no, I can never be as beautiful,
everybody will hate me. I don't have a perfect body or face, or anything like that. So to you,
if you could think back about your journey of refining your confidence, what are the elements
and the milestones on that path? And if there is a girl who feels she lost her confidence,
what should she do? What kind of journey or curriculum kind of or steps should she try to aim for
in order to refine that self-worth and self-value? Confidence has been for me a never-ending journey,
working on my confidence and my self-worth, right, really making space to remind myself
that I am unique, that I am enough, that I'm perfect as I am. And any girl, you know, regardless
of what their skin looks like, or what they may be going through, I know that beauty standards feel
overwhelming. They feel very overwhelming for me too, you know, being subject to so many images,
of like you said, photoshopped pictures and perfect highlights of people's lives can get to all of us.
And so for me, you know, I continue to work on confidence. I always say it's this road that I'm on
and a journey that I'm on and sometimes a cycle, although I don't go back to where I was, which was
a place of really not liking myself at all, right, only thinking I was worthy once my skin was clear.
And so some of the things that I did in the beginning and I continue to do, especially
when I go through moments where things are hard, is I love practicing mirror work.
And mirror work, I learned from Louise Hay, you know, she wrote the book You Can Heal Your Life,
and she talks about looking at yourself in the mirror and saying kind things to yourself.
So much of the time when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we're like, oh, I have a pimple here.
Oh, I don't like the way my leg looks or my shoulders like this or my hand is like this.
You know, we're constantly picking apart ourselves. And for me, it was oh, no, a new spot.
Oh, this one's so red. Oh, I don't like myself. And so these words and these
phrases and these affirmations is what I kept saying to myself day after day and eventually
I just started to believe them. And so with mirror work, I intentionally look in the mirror,
I look myself in the eye. And the first thing I say is I'm here for you. I love you.
I love my arms. I love my legs. I appreciate my skin for showing me what it needs.
You know, I appreciate my body and all that it does. I, I begin to really say things to myself
that make me feel good. And they don't need to be far fetched, right? They don't need to be
completely out there that I don't believe them, but they are nicer things to say. And so when
I start looking at the mirror after that, I'm more compassionate. Another thing that I find really
important as I've worked on my confidence is the process of working in a journal and daily reflection.
I love to trace out my day, right? So thinking of the moment that I woke up to the moment that I
went to sleep, the people that I saw and the things that I did. And then I like to kind of pick out,
you know, what went well today? What can I feel proud of? So I start to boost myself up a little bit.
I start to highlight the things that went well versus the things that I didn't do or that I'm
still feeling sad about. And then I also think, what can I let go of today, right? So allowing
myself a moment to let go of anything that I may be feeling is weighing me down. And sometimes
I'm letting go of the same thing for weeks at a time, maybe months at a time. But I continue the
practice of letting go of a little piece every day. And finally, you know, in the journal,
I love to think of gratitude or appreciation. It allows me to look at the blessings that are here.
There are so many things that are going right in my life. And if I continue to focus on those,
and I continue to lift those up, then I think it gives me perspective and a more balanced view
in my life. And again, another thing, just one more thing, I would say when it came to working on
my confidence and kindness to myself was that I started to be more compassionate towards me.
So when I'm compassionate, I ask myself the question, you know, I look at myself and I speak
nicely to myself. Sweetheart, I see that you're suffering. You know, I see that you're having a hard
time. What do you need? What can I do for you? Right? I ask myself the question, what can I do for you?
What do you need? I ask it with all my heart. And then if there's, if I can answer that question,
I try and give myself that. I try to be there for myself. I always say hold my own hand,
be my best friend. And finally, if I'm really having a hard time and I can't do it myself,
reaching out to friends or family or people in my psoriasis community and letting them know,
like I'm really struggling with my confidence. I'm really having a hard time, you know,
can you help me? Can you help me see? Can you be my eyes? Can you be the light for me? Because
it's a bit beyond my reach right now. So any, you know, a person who might be struggling,
don't be afraid to reach out at the same time, give yourself words of affirmation and love.
And also, you know, just affirm to yourself with kindness that you're unique. There is no other
person like you in this world. And you are here for a reason. We are all like this puzzle,
right? When I think of all the billions of people in the world, we all fit into this big puzzle
and each of us has a different shape and we all have our place and our contribution that we make.
And so hopefully we're able to fulfill that and we're able to love ourselves as we are
because there's nobody else as unique as we are. I really love what you're sharing and it's so
wise and deep and always human beings are magnificent in that when they overcome adversity and
difficulties, they become true gems of wisdom and it's really great, which also makes me think.
In many ways, it's a gift and a curse. I know, of course, like if you had the choice, you wouldn't
choose it. I understand this fully and nobody should. What I mean is a lot of people go now for
instant gratification and that sounds to them like mirror work and journaling and doing the
0.1% progress every day, like a lot of work and they get impatient and want to go to TikTok or
watch Netflix because to them, it might not feel urgent. What gives you this ability to go for
long-term, more solid foundation yet harder work that is at slow progress where it's almost
maximum effort for minimum results for a long time until you see a difference and what's your advice
for any girls or women who might struggle with patients in order to have the patients and discipline
to do such things that gave them fruits over time, but not quickly. That's, I think this is a great
point because again, this is always what I have to remind myself of right to be patient because
I like anyone feels tempted. I like anyone have this urge to go check on Instagram or to
look at the TV or to distract myself with something else. However, I've learned in my life and
through practice and through sitting, you know, okay, so I can tell you once I did this 10-day
silent retreat, meditation retreat when I first got sick and I had no choice but to sit there for
almost 12 hours a day because I signed up for this. You can't, there's no phones, you can't read,
you can't, right? And I couldn't leave either. They do their best to keep you to stay even if you
want to leave because I definitely wanted to run away, but I didn't. And at the time of sitting there,
I saw how my mind was always looking to distract itself. It always wants to do what it's comfortable
doing, right? It wants to go back to old habit patterns because that's safe. It's predictable.
However, in that retreat, I realized when I sit, when I sat for 10 days or I sat with the discomfort
or I sat with this urge and this desire to distract myself, it eventually passes. And over the long
term, my results end up being long, like far stretching, right? In the moment distracting on
Instagram is just going to leave me in the same place. I'm going to keep having the same result,
the same experience, the same thought, the same sadness and my life will continue to look
the same day, over day, week after week, month after month. And so if I want a different result,
I have to be willing to do something a little bit different. And sometimes that means,
and most of the time, rather, it means sitting with the urge to distract, sitting with this feeling
of, oh, I wonder what's going on on Instagram and letting that pass and then coming back to saying,
I'm prioritizing myself. And these practices, you know, in the beginning, you don't have to
look in the mirror and do mirror work for 10 minutes, you can try one minute. But can I, you know,
give yourself the invitation, maybe even approach it with curiosity, how would it feel in this moment
if I did this for one minute? And what if this week, every day I did this for one minute or I sat
in my journal for five minutes and I put on a timer, what would that feel like? And then again,
extending it as you start to notice. I know in myself, I saw the change when I started to commit
in small chunks over time. And it really changed the outlook of my life. When I even look at my life
six years ago, I saw a picture five or six years ago. And I again was doing the best that I could
at the time, but I was really, really suffering. I look like a completely different person to the
person that I am now. And I believe it's these small steps that lead to the big change. And to tell
yourself and I tell myself, I am worth the commitment. I'm worth the time that it takes to make myself
better. I'm worth the time it takes to lift myself up. I'm worth the time to look in the mirror,
you know, Instagram will always look the same and it'll be there when you're done. But if you
want a different result, it's going to require a different action. 100% and thank you for that.
And you mentioned a book that was instrumental to your growth. And since you're someone on this
journey, are there other books and resources you might recommend to women in general that you
believe will make a big difference when it comes to self-love, confidence, and their perspective
on their role and life and reality. When I think of a book that really helped me, it was mindful,
self-compassion. And it's a workbook. And I believe it's by Kristin Neff. And it gives you
exercises and perspective how to be kind to yourself. Many of us have never learned, right? We've
learned to be hard on ourselves and to hold ourselves to a very high standard, which sometimes isn't
a bad thing. It's great to have aspirations and goals. But to hold ourselves with kindness,
especially when we're suffering, that for me, that book, that workbook was very, very helpful. It's
one of my go-to's. I also think of a course that I took that was very, very helpful. And it's
also in the mindfulness realm. And it's called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, MBSR. And there's a
book in there, which I think is a pretty tough read. But through the course, it's wonderful. And it's
called Full Catastrophe Life. And it's by John Cabotzen. And again, it talks about this process of
acceptance, of self-kindness, of nurturing qualities like patience. And I think, again, the day and
age, where we are looking for instant gratification, when we're always in a rush, when we're so hard
on ourselves, always striving, right? And pushing the both of these books give us an ability to
first of all pause, to acknowledge where we're at, and then to start asking ourselves some better
questions once we're in a clear mindset with kindness, again, with curiosity. All of these qualities
were taught to me by these books and actually doing the workbook or going to courses. But again,
like applied practice has always been much more fruitful for me than just reading. But
reading complemented by journaling or actual activities have made a huge difference.
And working through all the resistance that comes, you know, with making change, knowing that
it's going to happen. And then again, asking myself, like, how can I make this a little bit easier,
or how can I make this a little bit more fun, so that I'm able to endure and kind of go through
them. I also, I was going to say, I also love poetry. So, you know, there's a beautiful poet,
Nejua Zabian, and she's from Canada as well. I believe she's from Iran originally, but she
has some wonderful poems, you know, Rupi Kor, as well, who's from Toronto, but at South Asian descent.
She also, you know, writes a lot of poems on healing and coming home to our body. And so poetry has
always been a place that I found a home and kind of understanding of what I'm going through.
I love those words you spoke about understanding and it's actually missing in this world.
And to ask you as well, since you spoke about how supportive the psoriasis community is and the
community you have built. Well, there are people in this world, or maybe even women and girls who
feel they're not surrounded by people who understand them, that they're strangers around their
group of friends or people called leagues or people they know. What would you recommend to them
about how to build a community just to support them in order to reach their potential in this world,
as well as find and like-minded people, and very importantly, what to expect, how to go about it.
And what did you notice? Like the difficulties, the hard times when building and community and
notice in at first, nothing is happening for a long time. And what benefits did you notice? How
is the community you have built? How supportive are they, etc. Yeah, that's a really good question.
So when I think about, you know, or even think about girls looking to find community,
find a place where they belong, find a place where they can be vulnerable, authentic.
It really started with me having to step out of my comfort zone. So as someone living with
a skin condition, I often hid, I stayed inside of my like behind my clothes, right? I would say
my clothes are my armor because they didn't let anyone see my pain or my vulnerability through my
skin. And so I would be very used to hiding and not putting myself out into the world. And so
I began finding community and places to go through inviting myself to attend events alone.
And then I'd tell myself, can you talk to two people while you're there? So I would go to,
like I said, I love poetry. So I would find events online. And I would attend an event.
There can be an event, obviously virtually, you could go to as well. But in the beginning for me,
it was face to face. So I would go to these poetry readings or I would go to a dance studio for a
class or I would go to an environmental talk. And then when I was there, I would, I didn't want to
talk to anybody I want to hide. But I would ask myself, Rina, can you just say hi to one person,
maybe ask them a couple of questions. And that helped me start to feel comfortable having conversations
and started to get me out of my shell, start to let me see that it's safe to talk to people.
And then keeping in contact with these people over time was also wonderful because I made some
great friends that I still talk to today. When I think about my online community and the community
that that has been built organically over these years, it's come through my own vulnerability
and sharing. I think that at first I was looking at other people's pages and supporting them,
maybe sending them direct messages and kind of being like, so how did you get into this? Or
if I saw an event was happening in the community, maybe I'd attend it online or I would try to
volunteer for like a group, maybe a national association was looking for volunteers. So maybe I would
volunteer there and then I would get to know people. But again, for me, it came through sharing
my story. When people would respond to me, I would write back to them and we begin this kind of
friendship. I would always focus on how can I serve, how can I share, how can I grow? And slowly
and organically starting to build these relationships with no need to grow my following, right? No
need to be a huge influencer. I always say I did this for myself. I did this to seek for support,
but also so that I can contribute to the world in a way that's oriented towards people's growth
and the betterment of their lives. And when I ask myself, how can I serve? How can I show up more
authentically? People can feel that and I believe that gives them the opportunity then to also,
you know, take off their armor or take off their mask and then we start to connect on a more
organic level. So I would say don't be afraid to kind of open up to take the first step to maybe
send a direct message to someone. You may make their day or to show up at an event, you know,
if it's safe for you and you're in a place that you can go out, perhaps going to a space where
you can maybe meet some new people over mutual interest, right? That could be an art class,
it could be a poetry class, it could be a yoga class. And don't be afraid to go on your own again
if it's safe or even online. If you're online in a Zoom chat, giving yourself the opportunity
to unmute, ask a question, introduce yourselves, put yourself out there a little bit so that you can
start to allow people to also see that's what you want. And I guarantee you'll start building
community organically and start to feel more supported and get to know yourself through the process.
That sounds absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much, Rina, for participating in this podcast,
for sharing your experience, your wisdom, and your voice. I thank you wholeheartedly. I wish you
success. I wish you constant growth and peace and mindfulness and happiness and positivity.
And thank you again. Aziz, thank you so much also for giving women a voice and a space and being
someone who's creating a beautiful podcast for all us girls and women to remember that we're rare,
that we're unique and that this will all add to the betterment again of our world and more
understanding. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. You are welcome and I couldn't agree more.
