Episode Transcript
Hello, my name is Aziz and I'm the son of a divorce mother. She is really my superhero. That's why it's important for me to support women to share their uniqueness, their personalities, perspectives, and emotions about life. Too many women in this world feel alone. They worry about the judgment of others and they struggle with their mental health, but when they listen to the Rare Girls podcast where empowered women share their voices and tell their stories, many women will feel inspired to live a life of freedom and to overcome all insecurities. They will feel it is a safe space to find their confidence, to remember their unique beauty, and to feel their self-worth, and they will connect with the sisterhood of Rare Girls who encourage their success and support their dreams. That's what this podcast is all about. My guest today is Maria Porostina. DJ Maria FM is a Ukrainian girl currently based in Berlin, Germany. She just moved there from China where she had been living for eight and a half years and before that she lived in the city of Dniepro, Ukraine. DJ Maria FM is a vegetarian. She speaks four languages currently, learning the fifth one and her newest music mix is out now. DJ Maria FM, how are you today? Hey Aziz, super glad to be here. I'm doing absolutely fine. I'm excited, super happy to have you here and curious to know much more about you. And I was thinking now about this question to ask you, which is, you know, they say often that the environment, the language you speak, what you do can change your personality and even how you think is and was your personality different when you were in Dniepro, Ukraine, compared to China, compared to today in Berlin. Are you somehow of a different person in different environments? Well, Aziz, this is a wonderful question because it actually has been scientifically proven that everything that you just said is entirely truth. Because each time when we learn the new language, we're not just absorbing the grammar and the lexical basics. We are also observing the mentality of the locals, of the native speakers and we are sucking up a lot of their daily routine personas. And that's exactly what happened to me because right now I speak four languages and I'm learning the fifth one. And I can tell you for sure that each time when I switch the languages, even my voice changes because, yeah, and the difference is really significant. Yeah, I can surely tell that my personality that I'm carrying right now in Berlin is significantly different from my Chinese persona. And it is absolutely different from my Ukrainian original character. That's very, very interesting. And it gives hope to people because when you travel, you can learn about new cultures and expand your personality in ways that can be absolutely surprising and great. And just as a background, can you share your story? How did you start? How did life take you to China and then to Berlin? How was the whole journey? Well, it was challenging yet beautiful, even at the darkest days. So when I see them in retrospective, when everything, all my experiences, I just realized that everything that has happened has happened for good, has happened for the better tomorrow. Yeah, I came to China when I was 19 and I went there with the show group. So there were four of us, me as a singer, my best friend back in the day as a DJ. A male best friend, his girlfriend and another invited girl to our show group as dancers. So yeah, that's so we created a squad of artists and we went like this to China. And it's been challenging, especially at the very beginning. Unfortunately, we trapped into like literally clause of so-called black agencies. And by that, I mean the agency that messes up with their artists, like doing illegal stuff, including stealing documents. So our documents, like our passports, our everything has been stolen from us by our company. And they didn't pay us not in the first month, not in the second one. And they had their excuses why they're not doing so. But we managed to escape. We had to work on a pretty nasty job, like emotionally speaking, morally speaking, to make fast and easy cash in order to be able to come back to Ukraine by our own. Because again, we didn't have our passports on our hands and there was no chance to get them back. Because China is a very corrupted country, especially if we are talking about small cities, small towns where agencies who hire artists from abroad or hire foreigners from abroad, they are having very tight connections with the local police. So it's practically impossible to save yourself from this kind of situation. The only option that you have is to flee. That's what we did. And but back in the day, I already started dating a Chinese guy. And when everything has happened and I came back to Ukraine to make the new documents, I came back to China to him because we got married short after. And we've been together for approximately four years and then got divorced. Our love life, our attempt to create a family has been very dramatic as well. That's one of the most toxic relationships in my life. They were severe. I would like not to go too deep into this conversation. Just so you know, in general, I've been through some shit. Through some really heavy experiences, emotional speaking. But after four years living in a country, I already developed my own network, my own profession because I learned DJing in China. I went to the new club and asked if I can become an intern, if I can become a student in there. Yeah, so that's what I did. And I had the night job in the club working as an intern, including switching off and on the entire equipment in the club, doing little tasks for the people who need help. Basically doing all the dirty job in the club and having the chance to DJ in the closing hours. In the daytime, I had another job. I went as an intern to a tattoo shop and I also learned how to make tattoos. And later on, maybe after a year later, I even opened my own tattoo studio in China together with my teacher. At that time, I was already pretty experienced as a DJ. So I decided to, well, yeah, tattoo making is cool and stuff. I really enjoy the process, but I enjoy DJing more. Because working as a DJ requires you to be mobile and requires you to be in multiple places. All at once, you have to fly a lot, you have to travel a lot, and you can't afford yourself to stay at the same place and go at the same place every day. You have to be mobile. So yeah, this is my background in China. And I actually wanted to leave the country for the past two years. I actually wanted to leave the country in the beginning of 2022, but then the war has started and I decided, well, this is not the best time to go back to Ukraine. I better wait for another six months. And then I waited for another six months and another six months. And nothing has been changing with the war situation. But my family, including my parents and my older sister, they fled to Germany once the war has started and they applied for the Ukrainian refugee program. They got their hostage, their governmental support, everything. So in 2023, I decided to finally go and visit them because I haven't seen my family for four years by then because of the COVID. Because China was closed for four years. Like I wasn't able to leave the country and I wasn't able to go back because I was still working there. I speak perfect Chinese and I felt already very assimilated and very familiar with my daily life in China. I wasn't emotionally prepared to flip the chapter in the book, the page. I wasn't ready to do so. But I had to do so when I came to Germany. So here's what happened. My work visa that I had in China, it expired right before I left the country. I mean, it expired at the perfect time. So I was already -- I had already planned everything. I bought myself tickets. I import my family that I'm coming. Like everything was sorted out. So there was no issues with the expiration of my visa. But the thing is, I couldn't get the new visa to get back because my visa agent who is cooperating with me for three years by now, who used to cooperate with me for three years by then, by unexplainable reasons, he couldn't get me a needed document from the local immigration center. They just didn't give him an important paper so I could go to the local Chinese embassy and apply for the new work permit. It just didn't happen. They just declined our request. They declined our issue without the explanation. So that's what happened. And well, of course, I had my moment of existential crisis because I had to rethink my entire adulthood because let's face it, I moved to China when I was 19. And I was living there for like for my entire life as an adult. So yes, I was born and raised in Ukraine, but I turned into a self-sufficient mature woman. In China. So it was very hard for me to realize that I'm not coming back and everything that I had, everything that I experienced, everything that I was working on is nothing but my past. It was very difficult to go through. There was a period of my life when I was waking up, opening my eyes and started crying right away because it was very, very heavy emotionally. And I got through this because, yeah, it's very painful to let go something so familiar and so stable. But in the end, I realized that it happened for the better because right now I am living in a beautiful environment. Well, of course, Berlin has its own pros and cons, but I can tell from my own experience that right now I'm living way more vibrant, way happier, way stable, present with way more promising perspectives for the future and way more stable promises of the future. I understand that's fascinating. And I salute you for all the ups and downs. It was a roller coaster and you are very strong and brave to do that. And I want to extract more wisdom that can also help a lot more women. When you have been through all the difficulties, toxic relationships, losing that sense of home in being in China before that, the agency that was dark and not treating you well and now needing to adapt to Berlin and to a new country and new culture, how do you take care of your mental health and stay optimistic when life is hard? And how do you think is the right way to heal that so that it's not trauma but becomes learning and growth? Fantastic question. I can talk about this for hours. Well, first, make sure that you are able to surround yourself with love. Get as much of loving as you can possibly get because actually right now I'm staying sane and I'm staying like not crazy. I'm not losing my shit exactly because I am surrounded myself by beautiful people. Be very genuine about your story with the people because people are getting a lot of pleasure of helping someone who's in need. But again, you have to realize for yourself that, yes, you have those beautiful people as your support, but you can't rely on them forever. In the end of the day, you have to stand on your own. You have to be very specific about your needs. From the smallest ones to the biggest ones. For example, if you need a hug right here and now, you need to cuddle with someone right here and now. Acknowledge this fact. Acknowledge this for yourself and for the people who are being around you. Be brave when it comes to closing your needs. You can absolutely easily ask a stranger on a bus stop to hug you because you are doing this for yourself. You are doing this to make yourself feel better. Maybe you will make this person feel better too. You are not asking for something criminal. Be brave and be unapologetic when it comes to satisfying your emotional needs. When you need love, just go out there and get this. Nobody will get hurt. Nobody will think that you are weird in a bad way. Nobody will think that you are embarrassing, that you are a disgrace for yourself, for your family, whatever. Even if the people will think this way, those are not just the right people for you. But in the same room, you will find the people who will think otherwise and who will support you. I am being surrounded by beautiful personas. Specifically because I am not afraid to say out loud that, "Okay, right now, I need a job or right now, I need money. I need a hug. I need a new clothes. I need a new shoes. I need a better apartment. I need a better work opportunity. I need a new lightening in my room." Something like this. I need a new pillowcase. Just be unapologetic and be very honest about your needs to the outer world. Say it out loud. Ask for help. Thank you. That's very important. And dive in even deeper into that. There are many women who grew up with maybe their parents saying, "What will people think?" And then being people pleasers who are thinking, "No, I cannot just say that. They will think badly of me." Like you said, some people will, but some people won't. We're speaking about inside the women that will stop themselves from being unapologetic about vocalizing that. What's your advice to such women who might want to ask for help and find those beautiful people, but ego or what their parents told them stops them from going forward with it? This is a very important topic to discuss because I can tell it from my own experience. I wasn't like this in the first place. This is a developed skill. This is a developed skill. It's like going to the gym, but speaking of your mental bravery, so to say, because sometimes if you want to stand out for yourself, if you want to change something, you are physically not able to do so. You're opening your mouth, but your vocal system just doesn't cooperate with you. You're opening your mouth and nothing comes out. I've been there before. I know how that feels. And in this case, there's unfortunately no way to conquer it by your own. You have to go to the therapist first and you have to find a specialist first who will help you to dig all this dirt, to dig all those fears, anxiety, all those programs and codes in your mind that you are not worthy, that you are not capable, that you are not contributing anything valuable into this world. We all are having our skeletons in our head. That's exactly why we're having psychological specialists. There is a lot of free services of psychological support. As long as you're willing to change, as long as you're willing to ask for help, even anonymously, there's a lot of services that are providing anonymous, free psychological help. If you're really interested in your wellbeing, please do that. Please do not search for any additional excuses why it is not possible in your case. Everything is possible, just not right away. You have to make some precautious steps, but if you're really dedicated, if you're really up for it, you'll be fine. Start with the therapist. Start with the free one. Just go to the therapy. It's essential. I agree 100% self-care, so getting the help of specialists is one of the most powerful things anyone can do. And I want to ask you this question related to art as therapy, but from a different perspective. I interviewed a Ukrainian girl who was a dancer, and she danced in Ukraine for many years. And then after the war, she moved to the UK. And she said in Ukraine, dance was not for fun. It was not therapy. It was very robotic where you have to do things perfectly, and the teachers are looking at you, judging you all the time, so it's mostly pain. But when she went to the UK, she found that people express their emotions and dance. They flow. They heal. They feel at peace. They let go of tension when they are dancing, even if it's professionally, which was very, very different to them. You as someone who has been in China as well as in Ukraine doing art and music of all kinds, are you one who developed those skills as actually skills that you do as a professional, or did you find the capacity and found a way to use it to express some of those pains in order to heal them through the process of catharsis, which is how music and art can help you heal your soul? The thing is, the girl that you interviewed earlier has no wrongs. I am 100% agree with her position and what she said, because I guess that she has the same age plank with me, more or less. If she's a professional dancer, it means that she has been going maybe to a music school or maybe to dance classes since she was a little girl, because I used to go to a music school since I was six. I play piano professional. I even participated in many national contests in Ukraine. The thing is, yes, the educational system in Ukraine, back in my day and back in her day, are very robotic because we used to have post-Soviet teachers. And you are not getting rewarded for something that you did well, but you are being punished severely if you had done at least something wrong. You are not being rewarded for anything, but you are being punished for everything. And you are growing up with this constant feeling that you are not good enough and you will never be. If you want to get some love, if you want to get some approval and respect, if you want to be seen, you have to deliver something useful. You have to be useful. But the thing is, it's very wrong to measure people like that because life itself is precious already. And characteristics may be in your computer, may be in your phone, may be in your employee. If you are looking for someone with specific skills, but not in human as a concept. Yes. And unfortunately, a lot of Ukrainians, especially people who are artsy, are facing this problem and are facing existential issues related to this question. The thing is, maybe for the past three years, I learned how to actually use music and use dancing energy, using the groove to express yourself, to make yourself feel better, to let go the anger, the anxiety through the specific movements. And later on, I found really interesting information in the internet that certain movements are helping you to release certain heavy emotions from your body, like stomping or punching the air or screaming out loud on the top of your lungs. Does a big chunk of the therapy for yourself because you are releasing everything emotional through your physics. Awesome. And for me, only recently, only for the past, I don't know, maybe four years, maybe four years, I learned how to actually enjoy my sets, my DJ performance, and not be treating it only as a way of making money. In China, because it's a communist country, mentally, it is very similar to Soviet Union and post-Soviet craze. And everything is very digitalized, everything is very robotic and very, very monetized, very material in China. People are not being self-aware enough to understand how to process their traumas, how to work with their bodies, how to make themselves feel better and happier. They are, again, from a personal experience, but I see regular people, the majority of people in China, as very miserable robotic people who are living day after day, the same just drawing themselves into their phones, into the TikToks or whatever. They don't even text one another, they're not even talking in their social media, they're just constantly consuming the content. And if you are being involved in the entertainment business, including video streaming, including TikTok content, whatever, you are living a very robotic life for yourself in China. So yeah, when it comes to self-awareness, when it comes to understanding your needs, your wants, you know, China is not the place where people are thinking about that in the first place. Thank you for sharing that and that you can heal using the groove. That's very interesting. You also spoke about earlier how now when you're in Germany, you feel a lot more stable in life. There are a lot of women who have big dreams, but they worry about the transition, that moment that if they let go of the past and go in outside their comfort zone into the future, there is a moment of uncertainty. There is a place of they don't know whether it's going to happen. They don't have control. And that makes them feel very unsafe. So they don't try because they think, oh, what if I fail? What if things go wrong? And two things. One, what's your advice to them? Two, do you have some spiritual belief that makes you think, well, I have a destiny and now everything is going to be OK in the end or you feel you're like someone who's protected by the universe somehow, which gives you the ability to move forward? Or how do you take care of your mental health? Because for humanity, uncertainty is very stressful. And if even in China, you were more uncertain than you are in Berlin, that was many years of uncertainty. So how did you deal with it? And what's your advice to women who are not given their gift to the world because they worry about that phase of uncertainty? The thing is, the question about the destiny, though, is a very tricky one because I am being convinced that we do have a destiny. We do have certain chapters to read in our life story, although you are the one who's in charge in your story in the end. There is a lot of unpredictable stuff, but there is a lot of stuff that you are having a very direct influence on. So just better my advice, do what you can do once at the time and don't blame yourself for failures at the fields where you are having zero control over. Because I have been through a lot of stuff in my life, not going to lie. There is a worry in my country. I'm not able to come back to my origins. I just left eight and a half years of my life behind and I'm starting entirely new life in the third country. So I know what I'm talking about. Just be very dedicated, be very strict, motivated and stable in your doings, in your actions on the fields that you are having control over. And don't stress yourself out over things that you can control. For example, let's just simple it down. For example, right now I am in the process of legalization my documents, of getting work permits, of getting residence permits here in Germany. And before all of that happens, I am not able to work. I'm not able to go to the language courses. And I'm not able to do much. I'm only able to just exist. And I'm not stressing myself out over this situation. I just let them cook. I just let them do what they got to do. And I don't -- and I honestly don't care how much time it will take. What I will do is I'll just manage my daily routine. I'm just learning German language by myself every day. I'm using Duolingo first. Second, I'm just going out there in the clubs, in the social gatherings, in the workshops, networking events to meet new people, present myself, talk about myself, talk about my story, talk about my skills, and how can I be useful for them and how they can be useful for me. And in the end of the day, like most and foremost, I am being a decent person who is nice to talk to. I'm being honest, sincere, I'm being kind. I provide the help to people if I can. And that's all that matters. That's why I'm being surrounded by incredibly cool people right now. Like I'm blessed by my environment at this very moment. And like all of those people are very recent in my life, but like currently I'm receiving so much of love, so much support, like social opportunities. People are offering me their help and like they are -- like they are -- they are networked to me. And they are like super cool stuff just because. Just because I'm being kind, just because I'm being cool, and just because my presence in their life is enjoyable for them. Simple as that. Thank you. And I want to take that deeper because that's a beautiful experience that a lot of women would wish to have, especially if they will go for their big dreams. How do you feel or you think those people come to your life? You spoke that there is a part of life is destiny. Do you feel this energy, that you have compatible energy, good people, the right vibe goes together? Or is it different that you believe something else is happening? Maybe it's random, maybe it's chance, and you think in this chapter, I'm lucky, another chapter I might be unlucky. I don't know. But share a bit more. And also, what are the criteria you look for that you can tell maybe other women or girls who are going to a new country for the first time so they can recognize the right people and the wrong people? Oh, that's tricky. Well, there's no specific recipe of how to distinguish bad guys from good guys. You just need to completely rely on your inner guts because sometimes you can be messed up and screwed up by the person that you've been known for years, right? Even in your own country, even in your hometown. You've been sharing your last bread with this person for over a decade. And then this person screws you up just because they can. It happens. Crap happens. But also, a lot of beautiful stuff happens. The only thing that you can do is to blindly trust. Trust is a cool thing. Trust is a really cool thing because you cannot predict whether something bad or good will happen to you. You can only step out there and try things. But at the same time, you have to be conscious enough about your own well-being. Again, control the things that you can control and stop freaking out about the things that you cannot control. My advice is still the same. For example, there is a big variety and big abundance of DRUGS in Germany, in Berlin specifically, especially if we're talking about the club scene. I personally know people who have faced really bad experiences with that because sometimes they ate too much of that, they consumed too much of that, and they ended up being in the hospital. And at this moment, even if you're willing to try those things, because it's just like a new cuisine. You just want to take a bite of it and see what happens with you. Make sure that you know what you're doing and you know that you are not consuming too much and you are able to remember who you are, what time it is, where you're located and how to get home. When you're partying, don't mix those things. Just be self-aware. Be self-aware and be careful about yourself. By this recipe, you can have a lot of fun. You can meet a lot of cool people and go through really cool experiences without getting harmed. Thank you so much. I really love our conversation so far and to finish. Is there anything that you believe you wanted to share more as a life lesson, advice to people so that they can be happier in addition to trusting in life and in the process, being stoic, which is focusing on what you can control, letting go of what you cannot control, all the things you shared? Is there a lesson, something you discovered, so that you can share with other women the ability to live a better life, go for their dreams, be more confident, believe in themselves more or at least anything you believe should be heard? Go to the therapy. Go to the therapy. Go to the therapist. Go to the specialist and get your crap in your head sorted because we all are messed up in our own ways. We all have been through our own traumas and we all are carrying certain amount of pain within us. But the thing is, it's solvable. It's resolvable. You can resolve that. You can heal yourself by going to the specialist. Just like when you're having a toothache, you are not just living with that, right? You go to the dentist. The same thing with the sole problem, with the sole issues. Just go to the specialist and I guarantee you, you will feel significantly better because bravery doesn't come through the willpower. Actually I am convinced that willpower is the biggest scam because of course you can just clench your teeth and go out there just doing stuff. But in the end, you will pay a very dear price with your emotional, mental, and physical health. You will literally just fall apart like an old robot. We don't want that. We are doing all those attempts and we are being so strong for ourselves to be happy in the end of the day because we all are seeking happiness. Going out there and doing things like making money, growing your skill, growing your network, improving your physical health, playing with your nutrition doesn't work on willpower. It doesn't. Even if you're trying your best. In the end of the day, after all this willpowering, you are feeling exhausted. You are feeling tired, burned out. You hated this day. You hated the people that you met. You hated the gym that you just went to. You didn't have a pleasant experience of doing things. You did something very, very wrong because people who are using different motivation by doing the same stuff with you are having different results in the end. It all comes from our psychological basics. If you are damaged, if you are hurt from within. If there is a lot of pain, a lot of trauma, a lot of grief and self hatred within you, you will not be able to be happy no matter how hard you try if you are not going to the therapy first. Thank you so much for sharing that. And really, we cannot end this without this question. How was your experience when the war started in Ukraine? How did you hear about it? How did you feel, especially that you are far away? How was that situation? Can you share a bit more about your life experience being in China when the war started in Ukraine? Yes, it was horrible. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was absolutely, monstrously, monstrously terrible. I remember that very day when I found out about the war. So I was working. I was on my shift. And my mom texted me. She said, "Dona is a daughter in Ukrainian." She said, "Dona, the war has started. The war has begun." And it was like 8 a.m. in the morning in Ukraine. And it was maybe 2 o'clock in China. And I was on my shift. And I remember myself being absolutely emotional and numb, like a silicone doll, absolutely empty eyes, absolutely robotic moments. It was my automatic reaction. I was working on a yacht. It was a yacht party. And I was digging on the boat. And I remember myself talking to guests, dancing, smiling, laughing, having fun in the water activities like this water scooter, whatever you call it. And I was questioning myself, why the heck am I not crying? Why the heck am I so calm? Like, why am I having this reaction? And later on, I realized that my mentality, my consciousness and subconsciousness were just protecting me, were just protecting me at that very moment. Because once I came back to the shore and I brought the equipment to our warehouse where we were storing our music systems, our equipment, everything, it was like a little shop right at the Marine, like near the yacht parking lot, basically. And I remember putting my stuff. And I was walking to the toilet. And I literally made three steps. And I collapsed on the floor. And I started crying like a wounded bear. Basically I started screaming and shouting out loud like an injured wild animal. That's exactly what happened. And girls, like bartenders and waitresses who had been in that bar, they just surrounded me immediately. And they tried to calm me down. And well, they had no idea how to help in this situation, obviously. They were just as frightened, as shocked to see me like that. They had no idea what to do. And I stood up after a while. From that moment, everything goes foggy in my memory. I just remember that I got home somehow. And I texted in the group chat that the war has started in Ukraine. And I need a couple of days off. And I was lucky to have very understanding and very friendly management in my company that I was working on. And they said, yes, of course. Take as much time as you need. Just text us when you will be able to go to work again. No worries about that. I transferred about $1,000 to my sister's account immediately. Because I wanted to save them. I wanted to save them so badly. I just-- because before the war started, one or two days before, nobody believed in that. Everyone was saying, come on, it's 2024. Nobody's doing this crap. Nobody is going to attack anyone. This is absolutely ridiculous. This is barbaric. Russia is not that crazy. Russia is not that ridiculous. And they are not so mental to do so. We were wrong. All of us were wrong. Yeah. And when the war began, I started raising fund in China. And I was collecting money for Ukrainian volunteers. I found volunteers immediately. I found unprofitable organizations, valid ones, like decent ones, who were actually buying stuff for the military, for the refugees, for the people who are migrating from hotspots to the safer lands. I've been doing that. But the thing is, any kind of funds are illegal in China. And I could get jailed if somebody complained, if somebody issued. It was the very beginning of the war. So a lot of Russians were protecting Russia. And I obviously had a lot of Russian people in my contacts in Chinese social media. I was receiving threats and even death threats from, surprisingly, not even from Russians, but from Russia supporting Chinese people. Yeah. So I've been through some bullshit. Not going to lie. At the same time, I received a lot of support and a lot of understanding from a lot of people, including some sanely minded Russians, because I'm not going to deny the fact that I'm still having the really good and old friends who are originally from Russia. But I consider those people as my forever friends, because they actually donated money to me when I was raising funds. So yeah, I consider them as sane people who are sharing the same values with me. Yeah. So I've been doing that for a while, but then I stopped because the risk of getting caught by police and get jailed was higher and higher and higher. And I eventually stopped. But I raised, I don't know, at least 10K dollars by that time. That's a very, very inspiring story. And it's a great tragedy. What's happening? Me neither. I didn't believe that it could happen nowadays. I actually salute you. I wish everyone you know, peace and success and victory, as well as the ability to be stable and to fill their lives with love. Thank you so much, DJ, Maria FM, for participating in this project, for being in this podcast. I wish you all the success. I wish you to hear good news about the German authorities giving your residence permit and that you will always be surrounded by great people. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having me. It's been a really enjoyable experience. I wish you to have a great week and I'll see you soon. Bye.
