E065 Ana Maria Matei

Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 0:00 your femininity is powerful in all its forms exceptional women, rare girls must be appreciated in every way for their perspectives, actions, thoughts, and their unique ways of being such rare girls are inspiring. And this is what this podcast is all about. Hello, my name is Aziz and my guest today is Ana Maria Matej. Ana is a Romanian citizen living in the UK since she was 19, where she completed a two year management apprenticeship. Nowadays, she works as a regional planning manager for one of the biggest giants in the retail market in the UK. She covers the entire South East area of, of the United Kingdom, and it's a massive achievement, since she just turned 22. While most of her other colleagues have worked in the industry, for the same amount of years, she has been alive. This experience is nerve racking, but also exciting for her as it just proves that no matter what age you are, if you work hard enough, you can achieve anything in her personal time. And also does brand partnerships and campaigns, mostly modeling on Instagram. Her last project was being a model for photographer, as well as becoming her ambassador. Now, how are you today? Ana Maria Matei 1:42 I'm not too bad, actually. Thank you for asking. And thank you for inviting me over appreciate this opportunity to be able to speak on behalf of us women Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 1:50 are going to have fun. And thank you too for hearing the call. So to ask you, because I'm really curious about you. If you were to describe yourself and your personality, what would you say? And would your friends agree on this description? Ana Maria Matei 2:10 was a very good question. Because you've combined two questions, how do I see myself? And how would my friend describe me? We obviously have a rap perception of ourselves. And we like to think the best, which might not be true because their reality might not be the same as ours. I see myself as a good friend, because I choose them wisely. It's better to have quality over quantity, which is something that you kind of learn with age doesn't matter what age, you go through all the stages of having a lot of friends in the beginning, especially high school years, when you're younger, and then kind of grow up and you realize it's not about quantity. I think my friends would say they will agree with me that I am an empath, which is an advantage and also a disadvantage. Because as an empath, I feel everyone's emotions, which means I care about everyone. But then at the same time, I go through those emotions with them. So if they suffer, I suffer. But then again, I can give them good advice, and I care about them. So the advice will obviously be heartfelt. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 3:22 I love that. I'm a huge Empath as well. That's why I can never be a doctor. When I walk around the street, I can feel everybody's emotions, even the dogs and the cats and even the buildings and the places and the earth. It's all so full of emotions. And I will say often impasse grew up in an environment that was somehow stressful. So they needed to over develop their ability to recognize emotions so that they can notice, you know, the triggers of unsafety or of safety. Was this something that is part of your history? Ana Maria Matei 4:00 I'm not really no. I grew up in a safe environment. I got it I have any childhood trauma, or anything that could have impacted me to begin like to be like this, but I think I've always been a people pleaser. I try to look back into childhood and see if there's anything that actually affected it. But there hasn't been and I'm probably one of those very few cases in which have developed these traits myself, not being not being touched by exterior factors. Because with a lot of our personality traits, they're all influenced by childhood mostly and the environment in which we grew up. But now that wasn't my case. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 4:44 Thank you. And you mentioned that you describe yourself as a people pleaser is Do you consider that a strength or a weakness? Ana Maria Matei 4:54 It's definitely a weakness, because you tend to overlook your own In sanity, trying to make everyone happy, it's good when you don't take it too far, but us people pleasers kind of tend to take it a bit too far. But then it can also be very good. If it depending on your career, if you want to work in anything like television, being a people pleaser can also transform into being a crowd pleaser. And that makes you the popular person that can entertain room. But again, if we look into it deeper, it's definitely not a strength. Unless you know how to conquer it, maybe Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 5:39 I understand. It's like a double edged sword. And depending on the swards woman, or whatever, we will call it in this case, it can be used for empowerment, or for weakening, I'm really, really curious about you in a different way. We spoke about being like the center of attention, or the life of the party or the popular person, is there a part of you that is more introverted and reflective, that would go to the top of the mountain or near a river, feel the inspiration that comes from being surrounded by nature and just reflect on life, meaning and the depth of existence. Ana Maria Matei 6:24 Just to clarify, I didn't call myself the center of attention. I was just saying, people pleasers can be center of attention. I think it'd be a bit self centered to call myself that. But yes, at the same time, I do appreciate attention. I think a lot of us do, especially with social media. That's why we post photos, so others can see and appreciate it, then give us feedback. Because otherwise, we would just keep photo albums in our computers or just actual photos. But we want people to like us, we want people to see us. At the same time. Personally, I do enjoy a long time. I don't like to be lonely, but I like to be alone. That's something that probably a lot of people feel, but they don't know how to put it into words. It's okay to to be alone to get to have self time. And yes, I do think about spirituality. I'm not a religious person, but I'm spiritual. I read about it. I have two main interests. When I read I read about psychology. And I can explain why because there's a whole reason for it. And spirituality actually, Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 7:36 I like that very much. And it seems to me that people are very important in your life and as an empath Are they like a source of energy for you, a source of learning, a source of survival, or just the ability to connect with people so deeply makes you feel connected to the source of life and a spiritual way. And that's why people could be for you like a portal into the beauty of the universe. Ana Maria Matei 8:11 It could be if you find the right people. And that's really hard. Because most of them, I don't want to call them superficial. But they're not on the same level. I don't think of us humans as levels from a scale from one to 10. But I think each of us has a scale for ourselves. We begin with 00 knowledge, zero emotional intelligence, zero actual intelligence. But then we build upon that. And if one person hasn't done any, any work on themselves, they won't really be able to have the same type of conversations and understanding with the person that actually worked on on their selves and has done shadow work, and all of these things and has developed their emotional intelligence. So it's hard to find those people that you actually make that deep connection. So it kind of leaves you quite a lonely I think that's the word is quite lonely sometimes, because you have all these shallow friendships. But then when you find a person, you really tend to clench into it and just keep them close. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 9:19 I love this topic. We're going to enjoy this so much. I'm ready. Let's begin with this. Do you feel or believe because you're speaking about people beginning at zero and then the developing through Shadow Work and probably your love Carl Jung and all that fun stuff that we all adore. But let me ask you this. Is it the case that people develop themselves spiritually purifying all the what the Buddhists call samskaras or traumas of life or of existence in order to become beings of light that can elevate and therefore they resonate together at this same vibrations and therefore they recognize each other? Or is it like, what they call soul families that there are souls that are meant to meet in life? And therefore, it's not about the level of evolution but the right people you feel you've known them all your life because probably you ignored them even before that. And the wrong people you don't feel that resonance with? What's your perspective on this are soulmates? Are those deep people created? Because all had been working on themselves? For us on a similar journey? Or are they pre born, that they're destined to have mad just because they exist? You're now in this world? That's Ana Maria Matei 10:43 a lovely question. Really well worded. So what I personally think is, we know we are all energy, even when I speak with people that don't believe in spirituality, because they think it's just a scam, because they don't want to look into it and actually do some research. I tell them, it's not a scam. It's actually science. It's very much related to science, we are all energy. And all the energy started somewhere, it had to start at some point. So if we've all been created from the same energy, we all know each other. I have a theory that I've never really found in any books, I probably show that someone might have theory like it, I don't know. So I'll call it my theory. It's the spider web. I think, imagine a spider web. And each of us has a little spider web, and we have the spiders. You can choose any path, the spider web, which is our life, Destiny, everything is already designed. But that doesn't mean you have only one roof you can take. Because when you tell people Oh, everything is meant to be everything's already chosen for us. They feel like they don't have a decision. So they think, Well, if I chose between eggs and cheese for breakfast, then that wasn't really my choice, right? Because it's already been planned for me. So I don't have any power to choose for myself. And then they start going into this existential crisis. But we are that spider and a spider web, there's so many lines, and we can just choose which line to go in. And it just changes our entire perspective. If I chose to stay to Romania, I would have had a different outcome today would have looked completely different. But it's all tied in with other people's fate. I don't think everything just happens as we go. And then No, I think it's all planned out. But we still have a choice. So that's my spider web theory. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 12:53 I love that I actually have been thinking about predestination, since I was like, super young. When can is it all? Like? Do we have no choice? Do we have a choice? How are things in this world, there are too many coincidences for this world to be totally random. Sometimes things happen. Especially you know, since I'm someone who takes a lot of risks in life, sometimes you're almost like crashing and burning, and then it all and in that exact moment something happens or a person shows up in your life that gives you exactly the helping hand you needed, even though before that it was all doom and gloom and all that and therefore it's not. But I was thinking about it in terms of pragmatism, which is a really cool philosophy. It's not what people think it is. And to believe that we are totally in control of our life. If it's true, then you know, we lose nothing. If everything is destined, we lose nothing neither. So you know, when it comes to game theory and all that Extreme Ownership, that's what the Navy SEALs call it, that even like if I walk outside and I get hit by lightning, it's me who did that? In some ways, maybe. Okay, okay, I'll go even deeper, because we're having a lot of fun, I believe, and it doesn't have to be reality, but it's an empowering belief that I'm the center of my universe, not in an egotistical way, but that every other person is a facet of my psyche that is projected outward, showing me or put a potential reality if I was that personality, what will happen in my life and therefore, people are all there me and there are parts of me in this world teaching me a lesson, whether it's positive or negative, and therefore people it's all love. We're all like the same but different flavors of who we could have been. And therefore, people are there in order to enrich our lives and help us evolve into the next level. And at the same time, it's in action. I take action as if I'm in control of everything alive. But in results, it's like Hindu religion, where the Bhagavad Gita and that wonderful book, it says you have the right to your labor, but you don't have the right to the fruits of your labor. So I believe that results are predestined, but actions, I'm totally in control of it. Do you know what I mean? Ana Maria Matei 15:30 Absolutely. That's, that's beautiful. And I think you're talking about the egg theory. That sounds very similar to what you're saying. Do you know what the theory is? No, I Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 15:41 actually don't. So can you please share it? Yes. So Ana Maria Matei 15:45 I'm not. I'm not gonna lie. I'm actually reading off Google Now. Because I didn't have all the information. I've just heard about it. I've never actually looked into it. Apparently, there's a YouTube video that was published in 2009. And it's a short story by someone called Andy, and I'm not gonna try to pronounce their surname because I would hate to mispronounce it. But it's about a 48 year old man who is reincarnated as a Chinese peasant girl in 540. Following death, and euphemism ties back to an egg because it implies that the whole world and all of his life forms is like one big egg constantly growing and evolving. And then it just kind of plays back to the fact that that person, the 48, year old man, is also the peasant girl in China. I'll have to probably watch the video to understand more, but I knew I, I heard this before. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 16:40 Thank you. Yes, I think I did watch that on Twitter, like six or seven years ago. So it brings back memories. I'm not sure about the exact details, but I think it was a trippy and really cool. description. And now to ask you even more, because this is really important. You as a people pleaser, how do you know that your goals? Are your own true north or true? Goal like deep down? Or are they done in order to please someone else and this world, Ana Maria Matei 17:15 I think it's all about how you feel about the situation. Of course, as a as a people pleaser, you tend to feel happy about everything you do for other people, because the end goal is to please them. And you're a people pleaser. So you feel happy. But if you really look into your emotions, do you actually enjoy doing the action? We're looking forward to doing it? Do you feel accomplished was doing it? And if the answer is no, then that probably means you're not doing it for yourself. You're only doing it for others. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 17:51 I love this. But I'll bring it back to dopamine detox. What's happening is dopamine is the chemical in our brain that is supposed to tell us what are our true passions, the things we truly enjoy. But we fry it through social media and likes and probably you know this even better than I do all the interactions on Instagram that can be gratifying, but somehow make you feel exhausted afterwards or something because they're like draining your dopamine. So if we live in a world where we're constantly getting those dopamine hits, how can we truly know if I mean like, I don't mean let me express it perfectly. How can people realize they're enjoying an action? If there is there are so many junk ways that you can enjoy? You know, for example, if you ask someone, would it be more enjoyable for you to go to the gym every day and lift heavy weights and do that suffering that might bring you to better health? Or be online on tick tock? Check in quick videos that give you a smile after smile after smile, but your life doesn't get better. So did you noticed this? Do you notice that social media is somehow frying in people's brains making their attention span shorter frying their dopamine circuits that they cannot really get in touch with what they love truly and enjoy in life? Or did you find a way to rise above that? Ana Maria Matei 19:31 Absolutely. And I think we can tie this all to one app specifically. Okay, tick tock. So the videos are about from 30 seconds to 60 seconds long. This for most people made that shortened the attention span. I've heard it from a lot of people now because all this information gets to them. 30 seconds 30 seconds After 30 seconds, and it's super easy to just scroll, scroll scroll. So you didn't even know when you've been on Tik Tok for five hours already well, a break. As opposed to YouTube, YouTube was big still is. But we used to go to YouTube and take all the information from there, tutorials how to do stuff, people's vlogs even if you wanted to just know what the experience is like to go to a festival, you would just go to YouTube and you watch those videos. Those were longer, they weren't between 30 minutes, maybe an hour, there was a full vlog. So then we had to pay more attention to those videos. And then we would choose whether we want to continue to watch something else, or we've had enough of that. Tick tock just feed us a lot of information. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's very good for neurodivergent people, especially ADHD people, people have ADHD, because their attention span is so short, short videos, really help them actually get more information and concentrate better. Because ADHD people, if you put them in a room, and you told them, You have to watch this movie for three hours, unless they've made a conscious choice to go to the cinema and do it, they might find it very hard. That's why ADHD people tend to have breaks in between watching movies like they will be at home, watching a movie and made movie, they will pull out their phone and just do a little scrolling just to shift their mind their attention from that something else because they get bored easily. I think it's good and bad. But you can't really stop social media evolves and evolves. And then it actually shapes how us humans live our lives because we are very, very much attached to our social media. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 21:48 I agree. And since you said it shapes our lives, honestly and sincerely. When you meet new people, do you tend to judge them based on their social media? I don't mean, in a bad way. But like, if they created it in a good way you think, Oh, my God, this is a cool person. Or if someone doesn't care much about their social media, like, Oh, they're probably boring. Ana Maria Matei 22:11 Absolutely. But not in the way you think. I don't judge them. But I'm very curious. I'm curious to see what they're like I think we, we all have a digital footprint. And we know that we use a lot of electronic devices, we all use internet doesn't matter if you're very knowledgeable about it or not. If you're part of the internet generation or not, you still learn. We all have some day, especially with all the banks and companies now being online, you need to download this app to use your card. So you have to kind of have a digital footprint. But I'm curious to see how people choose to do this. As a massive Instagram person, that's probably my most my most go to app. I like to see what people post I like to see what they found interesting, what they think it's worth posting, if they just like to, to share every detail of their life with the audience, even if there is no audience, but they just like to do that. I don't judge it. I just find it interesting. I like to see how people express themselves. So yes, I will definitely check their socials first just to see what they're like. And sometimes you'll find a lot of them in a stockish way, where people got a lot of information out there. And it's easy to to get to know them better before you actually get to know them, but in real life, if anything. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 23:36 Thank you. And I'm curious, since you're an empath, and you're speaking about this topic, do you find yourself enjoying and even falling in love with people's souls more than their outward reality? Or is their outward reality, something you assume is a reflection of their depth and who they are inside and therefore it's not separable? Ana Maria Matei 24:01 I think we are a unit created by a lot of different characteristics. So if you're specifically talking about falling in love with someone and whether you I will fall in love with their soul plays a massive part, but then there's other things in it. Their belief system, their views on certain topics that might interest me, and their appearance will play some part in it but it won't be a major one. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and say just personality is everything looks normal, because you still need to be attracted to the person. If we're talking about partner like life partner, husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend doesn't matter. You need to be attracted to them obviously because that won't really work otherwise, but personality so character, how they see the world and how they treat the world and are saying their their belief system, religion and spirituality, if they really clash, that might be fine. But there's some differences where you can't you just can't see the same. But then, even if you have different systems of beliefs, can you come together and find common ground and accept that the other person is different? Or is that a is a groundbreaking issue. And if it is, it's not a problem, because you, you just have to set the boundaries of what you want, for example, and the massive animal lover, especially dogs absolutely love them to the point especially as an empath. I feel really, really sorry to see them suffer to see all these bad things happen to them. If my partner was to absolutely hate animals, there'll be, there'll be no for me, because then we just wouldn't click because that really, really stepped on my belief system. We are soul is important. And that takes me to something that you asked me in the beginning, but I don't think I actually touched on it soulmates don't really believe in soulmates, I believe there is people that take more boxes. Let's say we have a list in our head, I want my partner to be this be this have this, believe in this, blah, blah, blah. And then you might, you might find people that check a couple boxes of those and you think, oh my God, you're my soulmate, because out of all these people I've met in my life, I resonate with you the most, but then you find someone else that takes more boxes, just maybe just one more. And that makes you think, oh, then you're my soulmate. And then we just live in this constant delusion that there is a soulmate, I just think there's people who get on with us more, and tick those boxes, but then we also grow as characters as people, we grow, we learn, we evolve. So then my belief system might change. And then how can I say the person that awful was my soulmate three years ago, can still be my soulmate now is my belief system has changed, it wouldn't work. I like Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 26:59 that constantly evolving, and therefore the other person should be also constantly evolving. Otherwise, there will be left behind that a different paradigm or level of consciousness than you are. And therefore, there is that connection is closed. Ana Maria Matei 27:17 Yes, actually, sorry, I just need to touch on that as well. A lot of people are scared in the relationship because they say, what if this doesn't work forever. Obviously, we love people, and we want to be with them forever, because that's why we went into relationship. But energy is constantly moving and shifting. And as we said in the beginning, we are made of energy. So a lot of the times we just don't grow in the exact direction as partners. So then it happens that you can say we've had the best beginning, we were so in love What happened to us. We've just grown in different directions. And that's something that I'm just saying, because a lot of people never really think about it. But it makes make sense. We grew up and then Wavell, but it doesn't always go in the same direction. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 28:05 Thank you. I agree with you. Those are very wise words and a perspective that that is truly mature. And to ask you again, you said often you deal with shallow kinds of friendships or communications, and it's harder to find people with depth. How hard are they? To find? And have you ever had that experience of instant chemistry with someone that as soon as you met them, you thought and felt Oh, my God, I feel I know this person all my life, even without them taking boxes, or speaking about specific topics, is just even before they open their mouth, energetically, you just feel Ha, this is my person. Did that happen to you? How can you explain it? And How rare are in general, your people, the people that you mesh with? Well, to find. Ana Maria Matei 29:05 I'm so glad you asked this because I actually want to use your platform to warn people and raise awareness about narcissistic people. So first of all, yes, we meet these people, we feel like we've known in our entire life. And we think oh my god, did you get into my head? Because you think the same way as me? You feel like the same things. Either you say the same things I do. That's crazy. And yeah, it's hard to find these people will genuinely find them is very tough. Because there's a lot of us on this planet. And there's a lot of us with so many different opinions. You might agree with 70% of why I agree with but then there might be just that 30% that completely Why don't like so then how can you even find that 100% When we're made of all these percentages of different opinions. But now narcissistic people, this is something that I've been studying lately a lot and, and I'm really keen on because I've had this in my life and it's actually dangerous. narcissistic people will mimic will mirror you, this is actually the terminology they will mimic, and they will mirror you your actions while you like, especially in the dating scene. First, they will ask you something like, so what do you like in a partner? How would you like your boyfriend to act? Just tell me. And this seems genuine, which is like, oh, okay, they're interested in what I would like. That's, that's very good for what they actually do is they gather all that Intel, and they use it against you. And they mirror you, they do exactly what they will use that you like. And you think, oh my god, yes, you want exactly how I describe because you forget to describe that you forget about that. And three months, five months on, you forget that. And they just air code, they turn out to be exactly what you want. But that's because you told them so that's, that's fake. And it's very hard to know which one is fake and which one is genuine, which people are those ones that actually stay with you and actually actually match up perfectly and who are narcissists are just faking it for their benefit. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 31:24 I agree. 100%, but I will challenge something as an empath. I really can tell when people are pretending or not and being themselves. Do you use that ability? Or do you get like enamored with the ideal thing that they're presenting that you ignore red flags when they show up? Ana Maria Matei 31:45 I think this is exactly what happens. romantically Yes. I don't have a problem seem fake people are seeing through the behavior of other people. In workplaces, for example, or when I used to be in school, you would see these things and you know, okay, you're faking it. Bla bla bla, this is not you, you're not really saying it to their face, but you just make a note in your mind and you say you're not genuine. I've noticed that when it comes to actually dating someone that's kind of making you vulnerable, and dumb that's making you dumb. Love makes you dumb. So then you kind of tend to ignore that. Ignore those red flags. I've had a bad relationship with a narcissist. And all my friends were telling me about it. But would I believe anyone? No, because I thought I knew but I thought I knew because I can spot a narcissist. It's not a one. Of course not, not the person I'm in love with. But it turned out to be but then when I saw these exact red flags and traits in one of my friends relationship, I was so faster St. This is it. Here's a masochist is leaving. But then I realized, oh, it's love. Is that one thing that makes us just unreasonable and delusional. So even as an empath, I am embarrassed to say I fell for it. What happens? Because the bird and they really mastered this art of deceiving because they seem genuine and they they know how to mimic genuine emotion. So then you as an empath, you you think these people are not as shallow as others. So Oh, my God actually showing emotion. But it's not. But then we have experience. And whilst you're developing your emotional intelligence, I think you get to know them better, and you know how to dodge them better. But if it's your first encounter with a narcissist even as an empath, it's hard to actually break through and see the reality. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 33:39 I really can understand the dilemma. And now I'm really even more curious. There is a lot of talk or theories, or maybe it's a myth or a reality, that good guys and sincere guys are boring to most women, because there aren't spikes of emotions. So they prefer Bad Boys guys who have some narcissistic or Machiavellian traits who can make them feel like they're on a roller coaster where life is never boring. The guy never becomes boring. Is this something you relate to? Is it truth in your perspective or reality? Do you find that like, Oh, my God, I wish I could love this nice guy. But he's just too boring for me, or is this just a myth that is propagated and it's not reality? Ana Maria Matei 34:30 I don't think it's a myth. I think it applies to some people. I can't speak on behalf of everyone. I guess on behalf of myself, but I think everything is true to a certain amount of us women, sometimes we tend to take on broken people emotionally. And you hear this I can save them. I can do it. We have this model. or nurturing instinct in us and we think we can help someone. So if he's really damaged emotionally, then we can do with. So probably the same applies with someone that's putting them on a roller coaster every day. And that's actually trauma bonding, because you get bonded to this person because of the highs and lows. If he's toxic, if a person is toxic, or she will not discriminate, hear him or she, if they're toxic, you will go through really rough patches, which will take really low, but then the makeup feels like this rush of dopamine and all these good chemical was any you probably become addicted to it. So then you seek this verse, you seek the scandal, you seek the drama, because you like the making up in your life, how you feel after that, but in the long term, it's really damaging, is very much damaging. So I'll take a steady, steady relationship over this toxic one. Thank you. Abdulaziz M Alhamdan 36:05 Thank you so much, Anna, this was my privilege, my honor, such an enriching conversation and a wonderful deep episode. And all I can say is, I wish you safety. I wish you success. I wish you balance and I wish you happiness. Thank you again, Ana Maria Matei 36:26 thank you so much. I am so excited to be part of this. Didn't really know what I was getting into. But this turned out to be an amazing conversation. I hope we can raise awareness for all these young minds or unexperienced minds, and about what they can try to seek and their partner to avoid all the toxicity but to some degree, we kind of have to go through it, because that shapes us as good humans that have lived through some experiences and developed emotionally. And then we can all live peacefully. But that's work that we have to do on ourselves. Thank you so much.